Thursday, May 20, 2010

(some) Questions I wanted to ask her

I wanted to ask her but didn't, now I can answer them for myself

How do you want me to act?
Anyway. Be real. I know this answer will change. Sometimes I want you to act one way and sometimes another. Bad part is most times you will not know how I want you to act. Just be you.
I don't know how to act in front of you!

Do you want to talk about it?
Yes! No! and again the sucky thing is you won't know which it is but what is worse is not talking to me and not saying anything.

What do you need?
I was too afraid to ask her, I think I was afraid of the answer. I am afraid of cancer. I ran. Can I say we weren't best friends so it was ok I ran? Do I think it is ok if you run? Yes, it is ok if you run. (even if you are good friends with me) I want to run! I did run. Your life is hard and I know you can not wrap your head around this. I can't wrap my head around it. I couldn't back then either. I will not be mad. I will understand. I think you are crazy for not running. You don't need to be there (physically or mentally) for me all the time. Only has much as you can handle. ( I remember thinking back then how to I give all of myself to her when I can't handle my life already.) Well, you can't, so you only have to give as much as you can or want to give. Don't feel bad if you can't. I had it on the edge before this and could barely give anything above that so I understand. Normal life is hard, this is harder, who would wants harder. And if you can change your mind at anytime. I remember thinking well it's been such awhile since I talked to her, I can't call her now, what will she think. Well, I will be glad you called and not care about any time that has passed.

Things that would just come out of my mouth and sound stupid. "How are you?" I will promise to understand why you say that, it is because that is the social norm. Just like "Is he a good baby?" "Does he sleep through the night?" The opening to start a conversation. But just be prepared for my answer. It won't always be "Ok" or if I ignore it and I don't say anything.

Oh and I found another answer I am going to borrow from because it is so funny (maybe only people with cancer thinks it's funny?)
"How's your husband (mom, sister etc)?" "They're fine, they don't have cancer."

Will you cry if I say the wrong thing?
Yes and I will cry if you say the right thing. I will cry A LOT. No matter what you say, even if you say nothing. It is me, I have all these things going through my head all the time that makes me cry and get mad.

I would rather you tell me what you can do or what you want to do. I will feel like I am always asking for something. I already feel that way and it has only been 3 days! Just let me know right up front if you can't do something. I won't be mad, I will be relieved that you told me right away.
It feels very weird to talk so rational about this with you but I have to so I can get things done right. But I would rather be crying and screaming right now.

I need to learn how to fight. If you know how to fight and want to help (even a little) fight this, then Me, hubby, 6 kids, and 2 dogs would be ever so grateful.


  1. Dear Girlfriend,
    I am helping to fight with every ounce of prayer and good thoughts I can send your way.
    Hugs and peace,

  2. I'm on board as well with prayers, good energies, and treats. I would like to make a batch of caramel corn and bring it over with the movie Matilda so that your family can have a movie night. A small oasis in a time of storm.

    I am reading, "Eat, Pray, Love." by Elizabeth Gilbert. Yes, it is a book about divorce not cancer but the wisdom in the book applies to life in all its facets! If you have the book, start at page 32 and read to the end of the chapter. If you don't have the book let me know and I will scan the pages in and email them to you. This next part may not make sense until you have read the passage but... Know that I have signed your petition.