Saturday, April 30, 2011

It's been a couple of weeks

since I posted here. I did post on facebook how my last cancer blood test and ct scan was good. I was a horrible bad mood right before the ct scan. They call it scanxiety. The thought and knowing I have to drink this horrible crap that makes me throw up and feel sick for 2days makes me like that. And then the waiting for the results wanting to know but not wanting to know.

The dr asks me how I am doing. I say, "I guess that will depend on what you say about the test results." he says, "They are fine except white blood cell and iron down but normal after having chemo." and then so quickly only enough time given to me to let out a sigh of relief that he turns the talk to surgery. Have I thought about doing it anymore? I say, "Of course, EVERY SINGLE DAY I think about surgery and how I would not have been able to do it. EVERY DAY something happens that shows me that." I am so trying to be happy and I am about the good test results but it is so hard when the drs are not so happy about it, like it doesn't matter that they came back good. They can't even relish in the fact that the tests come back good.

I hate that I can hardly remember the "before" anymore. It is hard to glimpse for even a moment the "before". What I hate even more is how I feel emotionally worse now the longer I am into this. I thought it would be the opposite. The bad sadness I felt in the beginning would get less but it hasn't. I think what has happened is in the beginning I was running on adrenaline and chemo and now I have crashed. The chemo has left my mind to think since I am not always so sick as a dog and the adrenaline has been used up since isn't the worst supposed to be over since I am not doing chemo and radiation now? Now I can think and farther away from treatment I get I feel like the closer I get to it coming back and starting all over again. My blog title says it clearly. I do really feel like cancer caught me and now it won't let go of me and I can't break free from it.

My hubby is still in La La Land. It is amazing all the things we have NOT talked about since me being dx. All the things I need to talk to him about, all the things I need to say and have him say to me. I forced him to go to the last dr appt. He did not say one word during the appt. It was just like when I go to the dr appts by myself.

I am still having a very hard time being around friends because I just can't do that without melting down. I hope you all can forgive me and understand.

The good: My oldest son has been very helpful to me, he has watched the baby so many days when I have been so so tired and needed sleep and helps with so many chores. My Mr. Clean and Punpkin sons have been just so happy and I love it and their smiles. My Hercules son just amazes me with what he can do and learn and how tough he is but saddens me with how I can see he knows too much about me and cancer. My daughter is just a miracle and a little mommy to the baby. My baby is not acting so much like a baby anymore but more like a toddler exploring everything and not a day goes by that I don't think about him nursing. As of now I do really think I have enough donated breastmilk to get him to his birthday when he turns 2yrs old. It is an amazing act of kindness that made that possible.

I still feel the prayers of other and that is what truly keeps me going and I hope they never end.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Downer day

You just can't go by looks or time. I hate cancer! When will they find a cure??????? I just met a 29 yr old woman one week ago. She had just been dx 2 weeks with stage 4 breast cancer. She looked GREAT, YOUNG. She was JUST dx. She was fine how could she have cancer she seemed to think. She sat on the sofa wide eyed and shocked but ready for the fight ahead and like it would be all ok. I believed her, she was handling it all better than I was at the same dx point. I thought what a long road ahead of her. Then find out she died. It rocked me. I hate cancer, how can it do this??? None of the people I meet, the stories I read make any sense. It makes my head spin.

I have to write all I want to say to my kids. I have to write everything I want to teach them. Because no matter how good you look and the time the drs say they give you don't matter and something can just happen. Having cancer makes me feel so completely unsafe. It feels like a ticking time bomb except you don't see the numbers ticking down but you do know it is less numbers than the average person and it could go off at any time.

I met another person in real life with rectal cancer. She was older woman than me. She had been dx stage 3 like me, did the yada yada yada like you are supposed to do, they told her she had no cancer and then 1 yr since her dx it is now stage 4. Drs won't tell me I have no cancer despite all the tests coming back clean since I didn't do surgery like they wanted me to do. I wonder if it is harder to have them say no cancer and then just in a short time have the cancer come back. For me it would be. For me hearing it is back seems harder than the first dx of cancer. I don't think of myself as not having cancer even with the clean test results 1) because the drs don't think of me as no cancer 2)it seems like cancer just hides like a game of hide n seek just waiting for you to find it, it never really goes away in many cases it seems. So I consider mine hiding and I and the drs just can't see it right now. I hope it is longer than a year from my date of dx before I see it again. It is just one month until the day I was dx.

This whole post written through tears.