Saturday, May 17, 2014

4 Years Ago

 Four years ago I was fine, I had no clue I had cancer. I had no idea what it meant to have cancer or what hell it really was and how messed up it made a life and for those around the person with cancer. I still can't believe I am a person with cancer! I sometimes feel like it must be some horrible mistake. 

I couldn't believe it has been more than a month since I last wrote on here. I think it is good for those who read it that I didn't post. My mind has been horrible. I am at times barely hanging on. Many freak outs a day. The worst is when driving my son 6 days a week, when I am in the car driving for 2 hours. All you can do during that time is think. I try to sing stupid silly songs to distract me, but it doesn't help that much anymore. Some of the things that keep replaying in my mind is :
I am going to be in more pain that I am now. 
I am going to be more tired that I am now. 
I am going to have more bathroom issues than I do now.
I will have to deal with so so much more and learn so may new things that I don't want to. 
I will hate my body more that I hate it now.
I will be a worse mom than I am now. 
I am afraid I might die in surgery or soon after. I am not prepared to die. I don't want to prepare to die!  

In medical news: After the exam surgery they determined radiation wouldn't be helpful. So the plan now is surgery, the exact same surgery from the first time around. Then 6 months of chemo. I back up to Mayo June 8 and will be there for who knows how long. Chemo wouldn't start for 6-8 wks after that, if everything goes perfectly. 

Again, I am amazed how the medical community treats patients at times. Please tell me what kind of breastfeeding counselor I would be if I told moms any of these things:
I am going to give you tough love to help move you along in breastfeeding your baby.
I am going to take before and after pictures of your breasts. (notice, I didn't ask you if I could take them)
No, you won't need any in person help for breastfeeding, after you leave the hospital, even though you have never breastfed before and your in pain and even though you still don't know how to do it correctly, you'll just get the hang of it.
What? You you think you might have postpartum depression?? Well, you should be grateful you have a healthy baby and you are alive. Try to think positive and not be so sad, upset about things. 

This is the kinds of things said to me in regards to cancer. 
We are going to give you tough love to help move you along after surgery.
We will take before and after pictures. (wasn't asked, but told)
No, you don't need a visiting nurse when you go home. Yes, you will have drains for a couple of weeks, an open wound, and you will learn how to care for an ostomy after a short visit from the special nurse on how to do it.
You're depressed now? You think you will be more depressed after surgery? Well, you will be alive and we are taking out the cancer so you should think positive and cope better and really try not to be so upset. 

Being a first time mom is a life changing event. My surgery is a life changing event. But I see no understanding of that. Having a baby is a joyful thing even though it can be tough, overwhelming and for some moms they get postpartum depression. And yet I have cancer which is not a joyful thing and the expectations is so different.

Remember, there is a disclaimer at the top of this blog warning that this will not be nice reading and I am not even telling everything or the nitty gritty details.