Thursday, May 17, 2012
It has been 2 yrs since the horrible news. Still feels like yesterday and still trapped in cancerland. It is amazing I made it 2 yrs without a recurrence considering what the doctors said and I didn't have surgery. I do still feel like I am on a timeline since I didn't do surgery and knowing the high recurrence rate for this cancer. It sort of feels like I only have 3 years left, they always talk about chance of survival for cancer in terms of 5 yrs. It is like you are glad to have another birthday year but with each year that passes it feels like you are closer to death. And an update on my post from one year ago---none of my sisters have gotten a scope done.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
I did get my biopsy result back and it was clear too, so next round of tests are end of June. I wonder when can I relax and think I am in the clear. Can I ever be in the clear?? I so want to stay like this. It freaks me out and I have a mini melt down thinking about doing chemo again or having surgery and of course not being here. I want it to stay this way so so so much. I have been thinking about getting a tattoo that says "warrior" and my children's initial but not sure I am up to the pain part and of course the $$$ part. I really think I am a warrior after all this crap and the continuance of this crap. I have to fight every day. I know I am strong but I just wish I didn't have to be, it is so much work to stay mentally strong. I don't even really think about going back to doing breastfeeding help. I am still in no mind to do that "professionally". It would probably be wrong to say to a mom who wants to wean "Imagine you had to wean tomorrow because you had cancer." or to a mom bemoaning the fact that she's up again with her baby in the middle of the night "You have got to have more energy than me since chemo and radiation really sucks the life out of me more than a baby sucks milk out of you." or "I cherish every night waking since I don't know how many more I will have." I know totally rude and mellow dramatic but can't help myself. I really just like being with my kids. And staying in my bubble. My friend from the cancer support group is not doing well. I really hate what it is doing to her. I haven't really talked to her now (she is more home bound lately and not coming to group), I don't want to bring her down, you know how "cheerful" I am about cancer. I will just tell you all this now, when I am towards the end, don't worry about bringing me down, and I will want to talk about the end and all the crappy stuff, though I know probably most people won't want to. To my cancer friends, be a warrior--- a person who shows or has great vigor, courage, or aggressiveness