Friday, October 22, 2010

Star Trek

I am on a movie theme kick for my blog title posts!

Having finished the horrible FolFox chemo and now to start even more chemo soon. And I am feeling better since I am on a "break" from treatment. Hopefully the cancer is on a break too and not multiplying during this time! I have thought about how horrible the chemo is. Even my friend who is a dr calls the chemo poison. It really is poison to your body. Anyway, it made me think of the movie Star Trek the Journey Home one where they go back to Earth and save these whales to save the world (or something like that). Well, in one scene they are in a hospital and Star Trek Dr. McCoy sees a patient getting treatment for some illness and just thinks it is crazy what the drs are going to do to the patient and says something like "Is this the dark ages. What are they thinking that would be helpful??" and basically thinks the way they practice medicine is crazy and barbaric. To which I think one day people will look back and say "People were so desperate to get rid of cancer that they took poison." Just think about how we used to treat many things in the past and we would say that is crazy, how did people think that was a good idea. I feel in my heart, mind, and body chemo is poison and it is crazy for me to do it (and even more so for radiation that I will be having!) but I am desperate and no choice as the drs say "Take this or die." whenever I object to the poisons they want to give me. It sucks knowing you are doing something stupid and it will hurt you and may even kill you. It is weird to say radiation and poison is bad for healthy people but great for sick people. Doesn't that sound SO MESSED UP!

Monday, October 18, 2010


So I tried not posting as you see for quite a while. Thought maybe that would help change things. But it didn't. The thoughts still come and I even feel worse since they stay in me instead of with writing I feel like they get out of me.

Someone asked me something along the lines of is this all I talk about, when have I talked about something else. Well, that made me upset. It instantly made me think of the movie Titanic. Remember the scene when the ship hits the iceberg and they start to get the life jackets out and try to get people on life boats and many people are talking and walking around thinking nothing bad is happening and they plan to go back to their room (be sure to have the bed turned down, and heat on and my tea and biscuits ready they even tell a maid). They don't put on the life jackets they go about things like the ship is NOT sinking. They are even playing music and drinking and going about things normally. I feel like that is the people around me and I am Rose running around and I realize the dire situation that the ship is sinking. Of course that is what I am thinking about and talking about, I am in a horrible situation and know it and feel it and it is consuming me as it should at this time. I have to fight this, I don't want to sink, I want to live and I have to think about and deal with it and not pretend it is not happening and that life will go on as normal. It will never be what it was and that sucks. So it is hard to be with people when I know the ship is sinking and I am trying to fight for my life and go about being "normal" or around people who want me to pretend the ship is not sinking and nothing has changed, just go back to normal and stop thinking and talking so much about my sinking ship.

So remember the warning on the top of my blog, this won't be pretty and turn back now if you can't handle my sinking ship since I will be like Rose running around trying to survive.