Monday, November 22, 2010

Off ball and chain for now

I have gotten worse, even from this morning when I was at the chemo dr. They took me off the ball and chain (aka 24/7 chemo pump) until Monday when they will test me again to see how I am doing and if I am feeling better. My feet have gotten so much worse. I can barely walk as of tonight. It is like I am walking on rocks. My feet are numb and sting and hurt all at the same time. My stomach has also been hurting nonstop. Hopefully with stopping the chemo I will start to feel some relief soon.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

You look good, you sound good

I remember saying that to others. I wonder how they felt when I said that. I know I for some reason don't like it so much. I look good? I have never had so many comments about how good I look until I got cancer. I don't think anyone told me I looked good before I got dx. Maybe I didn't look goo then. So I am supposed to be happy that I look good and feel happy when people say it to me but I do not feel that way at all. I even went to the cancer "Look Good, Feel Better" program they have. It is all about looking good with makeup, wigs and then you will feel better. You get free makeup. It sounded like a good idea and for that time I felt normal girls night out doing something normal and meeting other woman who understood. But in general it doesn't matter if I look good, it doesn't make me feel good. And so I guess that is the sting when I hear (again and again) you look so good. I know the other meaning of this phrase is also really "How can you look so normal and have cancer?" I know that is what I think all the time. I am so normal looking and yet I have this cancer.

Another thing that has annoyed me is "at least you haven't lost your hair". Yes, I have lost my hair. Yep, not completely bald so maybe I shouldn't complain, but you know that won't stop me! :-)

I am fried

I have started radiation, hopefully I won't get too fried. I am doing all the precautionary stuff I have learned from the colonclub message boards in hopes it won't get too bad. It took me about 7 times not to cry during the treatment. It sucks doing radiation more than the chemo for me. Sitting in the chemo chair seemed normal to sit. But to lay how you have to lay to get pelvic radiation is uncomfortable and embarrassing. It is every day, like a job you do not want to go, except you get paid in awful side effects. If I stay on track I will be done on Dec 10. Except the frying doesn't stop, you still keep getting fried for weeks afterward.

My blood counts this week was low so they reduced my chemo dose and I will go back Thursday to get it rechecked.

During the radiation I still get chemo in the form of a pump "fanny pack" that I wear 24/7 never taking it off just refill it and get a new needle and tubing every Monday. The "purse" it came with was awful and ugly. It had a plastic strap that was thin and would dig into my shoulder. So I found my own purse to put my chemo pump in and it is much better in terms of looks and comfort.

I will not tell all

As I have already said this blog will not be helpful. And even though it may seem as if I am telling everything I am going through and every feeling I feel, it is not. It is too much and too much of things some people don't want to know how it really is. I know before this I had NO CLUE what it meant to have cancer AND have cancer treatment. Sort of like before you had kids you thought you knew what it meant to have a baby but it wasn't until YOU had a baby that you really could grasp it. So unlike having a baby I wish no one have the reality of knowing about this for themself so hopefully you won't ever have to grasp and understand it.

I even feel as if I shouldn't tell my best friend all of this, it is just too bad what I feel emotiontally and physically. I don't want to bring her more down. Life is hard enough. is the reality of this cancer and helpful place to go or if you happen upon my blog and have cancer go there for help and answers. That website has been my place that I feel understood and not alone. Sadly, I am not alone in this. It is shocking the young people there. The moms with children. It breaks my heart to know so many others are going through this awfulness.