Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Chemo Round 3-cancer wouldn't be bad if you didn't have to do chemo

Yep, it is still kicking me around hard. You know how when you get a rx from the dr and the insert lists all these horrible side effects but thankfully most people do not get any of them or maybe one or two little ones??? Well, on this FolFox chemo when I look at the list of possible side effects on the insert, I can check off everyone! Cancer would not be so bad if you didn't have to do chemo! My friend who had cancer gave me these great buttons--cancer sucks, chemo sucks, piss on cancer (you know the one with the boy pulling down his pants and peeing on something). She also gave me a livestrong bracelet. I never really understood the saying on that bracelet till now. You really have to try and livestrong to get through this. I don't know how strong I am. I really feel like a wimp. How do old people with cancer do this? Even worse, how do children with cancer do this?

So the side effects are horrible breaking me down. Of course all the drs can do is just throw more drugs at it. I did some, it didn't really help. So I figure now why give my body more drugs and will not take all these extra drugs that don't really help. I think for me it will just be sleep, sleep, sleep and not eating on those days following chemo that helps me the most. I know not eating sounds bad but it is my body telling me not to, it can't handle doing anymore than it already is to get out the poison and breakdown the chemo that trying to breakdown food is just too much. Chemo is a diet for sure. Even after the worst days I still don't eat like I would. My head says eat on the "good" days. And I will want something certain to eat but then when I eat it, it just doesn't taste that good or I can't eat much of it. So far chemo is only good for loosing weight. Heck, will it even kill the cancer? Not all of it, that is why horrible surgery. And the cancer will probably come back and will still be hiding in my body somewhere.

So on my "good" (as good as it can get) days I have this strong need to nest and get everything ready for the bad days. It is weird, I feel like I am 9 mths pregnant with nesting syndrome! And I also feel this need to do great and new things with the kids on those days. We went to Chicago and now we are going to go to an amusement and waterpark. I guess it is because what if I get sicker and have no good days and can't do nothing. I have to convince Jedi to do this since we don't have lots extra for this but I can't help it. I feel like everything is now or never.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Bonding with my baby

With bottlefeeding I can see how easy it is to get disconnected from your baby. You can let others feed them, they feed themself as they get older or you can buy these products that let you prop the bottle for babies who can't hold their own bottle. I feel those products can be dangerous and have no place except maybe in rare situations--mom all alone with triplets. I WANT to feed Trooper ALL his feedings except for those few times when I am too sick. Princess keeps asking to help feed him but I keep saying no, I am supposed to hold and feed him just like when I nursed him. I also like to warm up his breastmilk. I figure there must be some good reason God designed our milk to be warm and not cold. I am also thankful that we co sleep and is something that cancer hasn't changed. The other night I couldn't fall alseep since all I wanted to do was look at him. He was cuddled up in my arm close to me. It was so peaceful and pure happiness.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Chemo Round 2

This will be long since I haven't been able to blog for a while.

It was round 2 of chemo. I feel like I am in a boxing match. Of course, I am getting beat up very badly, chemo is winning. It totally knocks me out for a at least 5 days and it took 7 days to feel back to normal. It is like night and day between the way I feel. I can't help but feel like chemo is making me sick and not making me better. Someone (who has cancer) told me her first reaction was not to do chemo and had to be talked into it. Now I know why. I feel like they are bringing me to the edge of death to kill the cancer. They say by chemo round 3 or 4 most people will not "recover" and still feel bad the whole time. I hope I can at least stay on this feel horrible for one week and then feel normal for a week until the next round. I then could run around and do all the things I need to do and prepare for the bad week.

The kids, the 4 oldest, are off to cancer camp for a week. It stinks that it is during my good week. I wonder how it will effect them being around other kids with parents who have cancer. I still don't think they "get it". I know there is at least one child there with a mom who is terminal and other gets who definetly get what going on. What will they say to my kids? Will this change my kids? I want them to understand in one way but in another I don't want them to have to know about horrible things.

Ok, it is time for my long, loud scream since I can't type what I want to say.
I am sure there will be more of those.

Trooper is offically on solids now.(He is 10mths now.) In the last few days he is totally into them now. This is good even though my amazing friend found a super pumping mom who is giving Trooper more than enough milk. This way no matter what happens I have a cushion, he can eat food. I am still not dried up, though I am not engorged or leaking, I can still squeeze a drop out. I wonder when I won't be able to do that?

I cut my hair- it was a disaster. It was a horrible haircut. I can't type/talk about it or I will get mad again. It only looks half way normal when my hair is wet. At least I got the money back for it. Don't go to Great (slash, make that Bad) Clips in Moline.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Back to Reality

Went to Chicago this weekend. Walked the museums and zoo. Felt so normal, well, except for the bottle feeding part, that was a huge pain. Though, I was normal bottle feeding since that is all I saw and I fit in instead of being the only breastfeeding mom I would see. I walked around thinking I feel so healthy (it was a good day, no chemo effects). How can *I* have stage 3 cancer? Do I look like I have stage 3 cancer? Tuesday is coming and it will shock me back to reality, yep, I have stage 3 cancer and I get chemo and all the horrible effects that bring. I am so dreading it. It will be hard to walk in there now knowing how awful it will make me feel.

I saw part of the movie Stepmom (movie about a mom having cancer and leaving her kids to the new stepmom). I had seen it before but seeing it this time was way different. Too real.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Crying and crying

Trooper cries everytime he finishes a bottle. It is not because he is hungry. It is because he still wants to suck. He leaves the bottle in his mouth and cries. I have now switched back to slow flow nipples to try and make it take longer to get the milk so he can have more comfort sucking. I have tried and tried the pacifier (2 types), my thumb, my finger, his finger and thumbs and still he will not take it. He wants to comfort nurse so bad. I know this. I can feel this from him. It breaks my heart.

I have tried to sleep with him for several nights but it still hasn't worked out. He cries and cries despite me trying to comfort him. Jedi has to hold him sleeping in the recliner still. I want to cuddle with him so much.

His new cry is old to me now since he does it so often.

He is taking about 40 oz of breastmilk in 24 hrs!!! He still will only eat one jar of baby food.
Thanks to Jennifer for bringing yummy homemade baby food for Trooper.