Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Chemo Round 3-cancer wouldn't be bad if you didn't have to do chemo

Yep, it is still kicking me around hard. You know how when you get a rx from the dr and the insert lists all these horrible side effects but thankfully most people do not get any of them or maybe one or two little ones??? Well, on this FolFox chemo when I look at the list of possible side effects on the insert, I can check off everyone! Cancer would not be so bad if you didn't have to do chemo! My friend who had cancer gave me these great buttons--cancer sucks, chemo sucks, piss on cancer (you know the one with the boy pulling down his pants and peeing on something). She also gave me a livestrong bracelet. I never really understood the saying on that bracelet till now. You really have to try and livestrong to get through this. I don't know how strong I am. I really feel like a wimp. How do old people with cancer do this? Even worse, how do children with cancer do this?

So the side effects are horrible breaking me down. Of course all the drs can do is just throw more drugs at it. I did some, it didn't really help. So I figure now why give my body more drugs and will not take all these extra drugs that don't really help. I think for me it will just be sleep, sleep, sleep and not eating on those days following chemo that helps me the most. I know not eating sounds bad but it is my body telling me not to, it can't handle doing anymore than it already is to get out the poison and breakdown the chemo that trying to breakdown food is just too much. Chemo is a diet for sure. Even after the worst days I still don't eat like I would. My head says eat on the "good" days. And I will want something certain to eat but then when I eat it, it just doesn't taste that good or I can't eat much of it. So far chemo is only good for loosing weight. Heck, will it even kill the cancer? Not all of it, that is why horrible surgery. And the cancer will probably come back and will still be hiding in my body somewhere.

So on my "good" (as good as it can get) days I have this strong need to nest and get everything ready for the bad days. It is weird, I feel like I am 9 mths pregnant with nesting syndrome! And I also feel this need to do great and new things with the kids on those days. We went to Chicago and now we are going to go to an amusement and waterpark. I guess it is because what if I get sicker and have no good days and can't do nothing. I have to convince Jedi to do this since we don't have lots extra for this but I can't help it. I feel like everything is now or never.

1 comment:

  1. Yes! I did the "nesting" thing too. It helped me feel in control of my home and family, because I sure wasn't in control of much else while I was sick.

    Big hugs. Hang in there!!!