Saturday, April 12, 2014


I am not strong.
I am not that other person you know that had cancer.
I am not you, if you had cancer.
I will grieve most everything that I have lost and what I will lose.(*see below for analogy)
I will grieve often.
I want to keep the life I want and have for as long as I can because soon I will not be able to do what I want and will lose it.
I am having a very hard time accepting how things are and how they will become.
I realize I can not be around people because I can not be this ideal cancer person and I have encountered that it is too hard for people to comprehend all that I have just written.
I hope I do not lose those that can understand all that I have written just now.
I am trying the best I can to cope.

Mayo was hell week. Exam "surgery" next week. Then 3 wks radiation, then surgery, then they'll see about chemo. Radiation done at Mayo. Hope Lodge free stay??? Nope, you get on the waiting list on your first day of rad. treatment and usually a 1-2 wk wait list so I would have to plan on my own hotel stay. Basically they said rad and surgery or nothing. Oh maybe some chemo that won't do anything then you will die a painful death, you must have surgery. So basically I have to figure it all out. And figure a way to be strong in the mist of every part of my life falling apart.

* You have your own car, you drive yourself wherever, whenever, and however you want to drive. Then one day someone says you can't have your car anymore. But they will drive you around but it is wherever they want, whenever they want, and however they want to drive. And then they say don't be sad, don't be upset, don't tell them how to drive, where to drive or when to drive, just be happy that you are getting help driving you around. Yes, you are grateful BUT can you not be sad, upset, cry and grieve that it is completely different and it will never be like it was. And can't you want to try and drive yourself for as long as you can until you know it must all change? THAT  is what is happening to me in every area of my life, I am crying, upset, sad, mad, grieving everything.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Not one little good thing

I have been a mess. I am physically and mentally exhausted. I can barely cope. I thought the first time around was hard, but the second time is worse.

Moving was a nightmare physically and emotionally. Mayo changed my appt from 2 days to 5 days of hellish tests that will have me sick and not eating and crying and freaking out. Then I have to make decisions. I could so soon be having surgery. I can't wrap my head around it, being in the hospital so long, being in pain, the changes, the possibility of dying in or because of surgery.

What was supposed to be a joy and happy moment of hope was gone. My son is devastated.  I can't help but wonder if my cancer crap effected him. It seemed like nothing can go right. Why couldn't God just give my son happiness in the mist of all of this. It was supposed to be a moment that would (rightly or wrongly of me) bring happiness to get me through the week. I call next week hell week.

I so wish I could just go and crawl up and go to sleep. I can't deal anymore. It is harder and harder to pull myself up and do what I am supposed to do. My break downs happen more frequently, too many to count in one day.

My sister keeps asking me what time we are leaving for Mayo tomorrow. I can't answer, it will take all I have to get in the car and go there.