Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Still filled with thoughts

Can't believe it has been since September that I have posted here. I have "written" a hundred blog posts in my head while I lay in bed unable to sleep or drive in the car for the long 2 hour trip to take my son to practice. The thoughts don't stop even though I haven't written them here. Cancer took another, a young boy, who fought 4 years braver than anything. His family also fought that battle. I went to his funeral, it was very hard. I had not gone to any other funerals of my friends that had passed from cancer. It reminded me why I have not gone to church, I would just cry. I hate crying, I am so sick of crying. I am crying while I type this! I had a flash of seeing my children at my funeral, and my daughter's face who was not understanding where I had gone and my youngest, the baby, just happy because he doesn't know anything. I pushed it out of my head and just prayed for the boy's family. I did have tests back in Oct and was still in remission. I will have more tests in Feb. and then in April. I am still the same emotionally, walking still hard, feet hurt. The only thing that makes me not be so down is the thought that this is better than having it come back and then say a pleading prayer to have it stay away. It feels so wrong for me to pray for that, it feels like I am asking for too much, too greedy, too undeserving, too much to hope for, but I pray that for my children and that is why I ask for continued prayers from others. My friends gave a much needed gift to me and my children. It was needed in the physical sense for sure but what I got was a gift in the way that was emotionally a huge gift. It reminded me people care and continues to lift my spirits whenever I think about it.