Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Still filled with thoughts

Can't believe it has been since September that I have posted here. I have "written" a hundred blog posts in my head while I lay in bed unable to sleep or drive in the car for the long 2 hour trip to take my son to practice. The thoughts don't stop even though I haven't written them here. Cancer took another, a young boy, who fought 4 years braver than anything. His family also fought that battle. I went to his funeral, it was very hard. I had not gone to any other funerals of my friends that had passed from cancer. It reminded me why I have not gone to church, I would just cry. I hate crying, I am so sick of crying. I am crying while I type this! I had a flash of seeing my children at my funeral, and my daughter's face who was not understanding where I had gone and my youngest, the baby, just happy because he doesn't know anything. I pushed it out of my head and just prayed for the boy's family. I did have tests back in Oct and was still in remission. I will have more tests in Feb. and then in April. I am still the same emotionally, walking still hard, feet hurt. The only thing that makes me not be so down is the thought that this is better than having it come back and then say a pleading prayer to have it stay away. It feels so wrong for me to pray for that, it feels like I am asking for too much, too greedy, too undeserving, too much to hope for, but I pray that for my children and that is why I ask for continued prayers from others. My friends gave a much needed gift to me and my children. It was needed in the physical sense for sure but what I got was a gift in the way that was emotionally a huge gift. It reminded me people care and continues to lift my spirits whenever I think about it.

1 comment:

  1. I haven't seen your blog in a long time. It was good to read here today. Although our hearts are broken for the loss of our precious boy....there some comfort in knowing that he is with our Savior...knowing that our days are written in His book of life...that no amount of worrying will ever change that for any human...but it is not selfish or greedy for a mother to want to live...to raise her children...anymore than it is for a mother to want her son to live...we do not know all the why's of these things except that sin and death have made this world but a temporary home...thank you for honoring us by coming to the funeral. It was so good to see you and I felt blessed knowing you were there and that you prayed for our boy and that you took that difficult step to be there. Your heart is filled with much love and caring...
    If you ever want to talk, I am here for you. Keep being that mama and I will be praying with you that you will be healed here on earth forever to raise those little ones for Him...
    Many blessings and health to you lady,
    from one who's heart is with you.