Friday, September 14, 2012

No rhyme, no reason

A recurrence for stage one after 4 yrs remission, chemo not working for another, ongoing side effects and vague test results waiting in limbo for another. They do not deserve this, they did everything right. I mad at that, it makes no sense. That is why I get scared, that is why I continue to feel down. I did not and do not do everything right. They did all the recommended treatments, healthy eating, exercise, supplements, positive attitude, prayer. If it can happen to them with all those things done right it can happen to me. Cancer seems to never be over till it is over. I hate that I feel down. You shouldn't be down says the stage 4, I wish I was stage 3 in remission, I would be happy, you should be happy. The non cancer person, you should be happy your are in remission, I would be happy if it was me. Ugh, I want to be happy and normal but that cancer is lurking and waiting to catch me again. I am doing my best to be better but it is a fight every moment. I play mind numbing games to not think about cancer. (Thank you Words With Friends players and Facebook Tail Towns Friends players!) The religious person might say focus on God and pray, but I am not in that place and thinking about God just makes me think about meeting Him one day (death) and being away from my kids. I have been extra down because of something that happened a couple months back and it is thrown me again down to the ground. BUT I am doing my best to be better for my kids, they are what keep me going. Perfect words for what I feel: After you live the darker side, face the death of dreams that died I've been there, out of hope and out of place, walking on one thread of faith Giving up and giving in, coming back from where you've been, still trying, to fight the demons, give them hell, heal the wounds, tell yourself that you're living Even when it feels like everything is broken it is holding on and letting go We face the fire and take the burn and live and learn We take what we are given and someone we survive Life is for the Living, Ryan MIchaels Band

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