Saturday, December 31, 2011

Cancer Treatment Illness Induced Freakouts (that sounds medical)

Cancer Treatment Illness is what started this downward spiral. On Wednesday I woke up so tired and feeling icky and then later my upper stomach hurt really bad. I knew it wasn't the "good" kind of sick --wish I had the flu, stomach bug, food poisoning--who wishes for that?? Only a person with cancer. I knew it was what I call cancer treatment illness, when you get sick and have side effects from the cancer treatment you got. I have been sick with it several times since the end of treatment but this was worse than the other times. I didn't call the dr, why??? just so I can go through all the horrible tests to either A) have them tell me it is in fact cancer treatment illness and not much to do but live with it or B) the cancer is back. Neither is something I wanted to hear or do. Plus I get labs drawn on Tuesday and if it was bad they would call before my dr appt on the 10th. So in the mean time not eating for 2 and half days helped and I am finally physically feeling better but emotionally it has gotten to me so much. So feeling physically horrible at least you don't freak out because the pain is on your mind but now since I am feeling better, I have had several freak outs. My husband didn't help me remember to take the sleep medicine so here I am still awake at 7 am, lest you think I actually got up at 7 am to write. My husband, as I have said before, is still in la la land. I have tried to push him to help me or acknowledge the cancer and even see if he will be there for me. He has failed on that. He is not like the other caregivers I read about that remind the cancer person to take their meds, have you eaten/drank today, how are you feeling physically/emotionally, want to talk, or even the simple how are you. Cancer has not drawn us together but far apart. I just have to keep telling myself I understand that and why he is doing this because I am sure if I was able to act like that I would to and would love to be able to not care about it. I am also sure the several freak outs have to do with my up coming dr appt. So you might wonder what is a freak out, for me it is thinking about the future, thought of doing chemo again, or doing surgery. I still can't even fathom the thought of surgery. I cry, can't stop and can't even catch my breath. All I know is--- look at how horrible I am doing now and think how much more horrible I will be if it came back and know freak outs will be even more in number if it comes back. All I pray is-- God, you know and see how bad I am doing please don't give me anymore! I can't do it! I pray He has to understand, he will just have to understand my thoughts and actions through this. I am not strong anymore, I am not like those other cancer people. Though I did read one cancer blog that totally sounded like me at times and told it like it is so at least I know I am not the only one who thinks this is shitty and says so. Now I pray I can go to sleep. I will get tired and fall asleep as the kid soon wake up, I will just let them ruin the house and eat cereal all day because husband will work all day on Saturday and I will be too tired because of no sleep and it takes a lot out of me to not freak out in front of them, perhaps that is why I freak out so much at night or when alone.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Been over 3 months

I can't believe it has been over 3 mths since I wrote here. Every day I had thoughts that I wanted to put down but didn't. Mostly tired or too busy and hoped a forced break from writing would help me. Still my emotions are like a roller coaster. I am afraid this stupid cancer has permanently caught me and will not let go. I live from one test to the next. I did an update in Sept on facebook that my round of tests was normal and then more tests at the end of Oct were also normal. The relief of the news lasts only so long and has faded about a couple of weeks ago as I get closer to my next round of tests at the beginning of January. The fretting and horrible thoughts come to hope that I will get relief on Jan 10th and have that emotion last for some weeks. It is like a drug one seeks and a high that doesn't seem to last very long.

I had gotten a bump in feeling less tired back in the middle of the summer but now it has leveled off and I am not back to normal in that area. I was hoping to continue on feeling less tired. Every ache is a question and a scare. It is also an instant flashback to how the chemo and radiation mad me feel. Oh how I hope I don't have to do it again. I feel like my body will never feel normal again. Every day I am glad I didn't do the surgery and think of all the things I wouldn't be doing and how much more emotionally damaged I would be. The nerve damage is still the same in my feet and the cold winter makes it worse but my scooter is a huge help and I am so glad I have it. I have had a hard time sleeping. Even being so tired yet still can't sleep. I have had to resort to taking something to go to sleep a few times a week and even with that I still stay up later than normal. (See it is almost 2 am as I am writing this and I took the medicine!)

It has been a hard few months of deaths all around me, people at the cancer group I go to and message board I frequent. It really hits hard seeing others my age with the same dx go and read how it ends. Though hard I can not stay away from it. It is the want for knowledge of what is to come from those who are there that I find comfort, hope, and sadness all rolled into one.

I still haven't written my "books" for the kids. I really wish I would. I know I would find comfort knowing it is done, but it is still hard to do so I will wait to do it a little longer.

I still feel in between two worlds, cancer and non cancer. I am not either, though the drs would pick cancer since I didn't do surgery. I do find myself slipping into the old ways which I hate. I hate the common place thoughts that do not manner. I wish I didn't care about my house being a mess and the unending list of things to do that don't get done. It feels stupid to care about such things. What does it matter? But that is how one is supposed to think when they do not have cancer, they care about those things. But shouldn't I just say who cares, throw it all to the wind and live for today, but I am torn to live how I used to live and live like I am going to die sooner. It still boggles my mind when some will say little things probably don't get to you anymore (since you have bigger things to worry about!), but, no, I think this everyday little sucky things sucks AND AND AND I have cancer so it just sucks worse. I will still not say I am cancer free, only God knows that, and I will not say I am a survivor, you can say that at my funeral if I die of something else.

At the end of October my family was chosen for a "memory" trip. It was WONDERFUL, a most caring thing to be given. It was 12 days to try and leave the cancer behind and truly make a memory for our family. Though the cancer did come on the trip with intrusive thoughts here and there, overall it was great. It did have a sense of the "last time" that would make me sad. I showed the kids the beach. It was amazing! I grew up in Florida and had forgotten how amazing the beach is. They were wide eyed seeing it. I collected pine needles, spanish moss, sea shells, sand, dirt, sea water. And put to memory all the things I saw and did. I soaked up everything and trying to hold onto it forever. I hope my kids do. I saw my family wondering if it would be the last time I would hug them since we are so far away from Florida.

On the breastmilk front, Trooper still has milk! I again counted it all up and it should be done around the middle of January. Still it amazes me and so thankful. And still a day doesn't go by that I wish I was nursing him like I was supposed to. I wish that I didn't get to know what I lost with him and it makes me sad to know some others don't even know what they are losing when they don't nurse their baby. I never thought bottle feeding would turn me into more of a nursing activist than I already was! And I am now such a huge supporter of donor milk and what an amazing gift it truly is for moms and babies who need it.

I am so thankful for the prayers that continue for me. It is too hard to plead and beg for the far off future so I can only think till May. That would be 2 years and a huge milestone if I make it there without the cancer showing.