Monday, March 19, 2018

Worn down

Oh, how you worry
Oh, how you're weary, from fearing you lost control
This was the one thing, you didn't see coming
And no one would blame you, though
If you cried in private
If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows
No one will see, if you stop believing
(Oh My Soul by Casting Crowns)

Yep, so very weary. Yep, I have no control over anything. Yep, I never imagined my life would have turned out like this is a huge understatement. Yep, I do cry in private because I avoid the public because I could easily cry there. It is the conflict of hiding all of this and then wishing everyone could really know but they really wouldn't want to know it all. Not even the drs I encounter really want to know. I have stopped believing things will get better.

Can't believe it's been that long since I have posted. I hate to post again the same horribleness, that is why I just don't post. I am no better mentally and physically my body has gotten worse. Cancer still stable but I do have "things" that keep popping up and then they do more tests and then more watch and wait. Drs appts stress me out and they happen frequently. The surgery wasn't a forever surgery and things don't "hold" together like they are supposed to. As time goes by it causes me more side effects and pain. I am trying so so hard to be ok, but just hanging on mentally and physically. I still avoid social situations because of the unpredictably of my body and pain. If unavoidable to be in public and interact with people (which I go to great lengths to avoid) it is on pain meds. It is mentally and physically exhausting to be with people. I still have a huge hard time with the question of "how are you". It is the worst question ever because it is decision to either lie and say fine or tell the truth, which I still can't really say the whole truth. Do they really want to know? I wish I could be real and say yeah I am doing horrible. But I can't tell you that since I should just be happy I am alive. I did recently answer that question saying that I am having a hard time with pain and ongoing medical problems. And I get the deer in the headlights look.  It's not their fault but I am so sure they just want me to say I am ok. I am alive but it is so freaking hard everyday. To me it feels like I am trying so hard everyday to go on. I am giving it my all. I am coping the best I can.