Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Only 100 years

Pumpkin who just turned 10 years old was listening to music in the car with me and the song 100 years came on and he said "We only have a 100 years to live ?!?!" He said it like he couldn't believe it and how short that was. We really don't think about how short life is. 100 years is short compared to the long history of things. I again start my bargaining, how much time do I need???? I REALLY REALLY want 20 more years. I think that would be just enough to feel ok about dying. My youngest would be 24, out of college and into the world and my daughter would be 28 and perhaps I would be lucky enough to see her become a mother and be there to help her. I so want to be there for her. It breaks my heart to not be there for her when she becomes a mom for the first time. I think I may ask the doctors can they get me 20 years, it's not like I am asking for 60 more years to get to that 100 years.

It has been total upheaval around here. What was supposed to be a great, relaxing slow move into our new house has turned into a ticking time bomb of hurry up and move because who knows what will happen and when it will happen. I feel so stressed about the move now. I had wanted to take my time and organize and clean things out etc but now I feel like I have to be quick just to get it done. I start to feel overwhelmed and cry and get mad.

I called Mayo in Minnesota and sent my info up there, they will be calling back by the end of the week to set up an appt. I am getting tested to see what my mutation is, that will tell them more about my prognosis and what chemo is correct to use. I am so scared of that appt. I am scared of surgery, so scared I will die during it or soon after it from complication. The thing is it will be considered "good" if they say I can have surgery. Also, I am having flash back thoughts of chemo---the port, the surgery to put the port in, all the awful chemo symptoms. While cleaning I found my chemo pouch/bag that I had to carry around ALL THE TIME for DAYS. I kept it, I didn't throw it away.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

I'll be back (imagine Arnold Schwarzenegger voice)

And so it is... cancer is back. I knew it would be back, just didn't know when. So despite having a clear ct scan and good blood work it is back says the GI dr who did the scope. And just like the first time they knew it right off, no need to wait for the biopsy. It seems it is a little bit higher than the last tumor. I guess the radiation killed the one spot so it grew some where else. At least I got 3 years of remission.
The worst will be telling my kids, AGAIN, their mom has cancer. I will do my best to play it off as no big deal. I am glad I never told my kids I was cured and that mom was all better. It will make it easier I think than if I had said "I was all better", "I'm cured".  I think it will be less of a shock. I think for me too, since I knew and know how bad cancer is and I never let myself  go to la la land fairytale dreams. I am realistic. I haven't told them yet, that will be tomorrow. My plan is to have pizza waiting for them to eat after I tell them. I thought about a movie theater right after I tell them, but of course their dad said no, too much money to do that. I had just wanted them to have fun right after bad news.
The second worst is telling my best friend. I so hate having her go through this. I hate that I need her so much. I don't want to drain her. Life is hard enough she doesn't need this too.
I hate that I have to be even stronger than I have been. I barely survived mentally the last years, I can't imagine how I will be able to do it again without completely breaking down. I can't handle anymore, I don't want to handle anymore.
A tip for people, don't go on facebook and insinuate someone else has cancer, if the person who has cancer wants the world to know they would do it or tell you to post it all over facebook and if they didn't tell you could and you didn't ask, then don't do it.

The next few days........................
Are CRAZY! Took sleeping pills so I could sleep or my mind would not rest and I panic in the middle of the night when all is quiet.

Told the kids, the pizza worked! My daughter cried. I was strong. We went back to Gilda's Club (cancer group). It was great for the kids to have fun there.

I have a plan for now. At first and at other times I SO WISH I could just bury my head and pretend all is fine with me. Just like last time, how can I have cancer????? It makes no sense! When I feel "fine" except for the symptoms that I have are chemo and radiation related! And so being tired was my other sign. Crazy! Ok, the plan is to go see the local Onc Dr. to get his opinion and say good bye (insurance related). Call and get appt at Mayo Clinic in MN rated #1 in GI cancers!

What else is going on?  We are also set to move this weekend to a better and cheaper place to live. (planned before cancer came back) The kids will be changing schools too. So much for them to deal with on top of the cancer thing. I so just want to put cancer on hold till I move in and unpack and get settled. How long can I go before doing treatment? Will the cancer please not grow till I can get things done? Pretty please!

The bright spot is I have an awesome best friend and another great friend who is also a dr. A BIG plus who will go to the Mayo dr appt with me. They have given me so much relief in dealing with this.

Right now I only have to modes: 1- complete melt down mode or 2- research brain mode

This post was written in brain mode because I am sure there will be plenty of complete melt down posts.

Please pray for me and my kids.

Friday, March 7, 2014


It's March, colon cancer month! Have you seen all the BLUE everywhere--on every product, a blue shelf in every store, have you read all the articles on colon cancer, have you heard about all the celebrities raising money for colon cancer? No?? Me either.

The ct scan and blood work came back normal! But I still have to go get the scope done next Monday so they can do a biopsy.  I am nervous. I get more nervous the further out I get from treatment because my odds go up that it will come back. Can I make it till May when I will hit the 4 yr mark since dx?