Pumpkin who just turned 10 years old was listening to music in the car with me and the song 100 years came on and he said "We only have a 100 years to live ?!?!" He said it like he couldn't believe it and how short that was. We really don't think about how short life is. 100 years is short compared to the long history of things. I again start my bargaining, how much time do I need???? I REALLY REALLY want 20 more years. I think that would be just enough to feel ok about dying. My youngest would be 24, out of college and into the world and my daughter would be 28 and perhaps I would be lucky enough to see her become a mother and be there to help her. I so want to be there for her. It breaks my heart to not be there for her when she becomes a mom for the first time. I think I may ask the doctors can they get me 20 years, it's not like I am asking for 60 more years to get to that 100 years.
It has been total upheaval around here. What was supposed to be a great, relaxing slow move into our new house has turned into a ticking time bomb of hurry up and move because who knows what will happen and when it will happen. I feel so stressed about the move now. I had wanted to take my time and organize and clean things out etc but now I feel like I have to be quick just to get it done. I start to feel overwhelmed and cry and get mad.
I called Mayo in Minnesota and sent my info up there, they will be calling back by the end of the week to set up an appt. I am getting tested to see what my mutation is, that will tell them more about my prognosis and what chemo is correct to use. I am so scared of that appt. I am scared of surgery, so scared I will die during it or soon after it from complication. The thing is it will be considered "good" if they say I can have surgery. Also, I am having flash back thoughts of chemo---the port, the surgery to put the port in, all the awful chemo symptoms. While cleaning I found my chemo pouch/bag that I had to carry around ALL THE TIME for DAYS. I kept it, I didn't throw it away.
I kept my chemo pouch too. I couldn't decide if keeping it was practical or negative thinking. Practical won out, but I still can't help but think I'm jinxing myself. How cancer plays with your thoughts. Sometimes I wish I could just think like a normal person again and not constantly be thinking what treatments/surgeries I may or may not need or even if I'll be alive whenever people discuss plans for the future.
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