Thursday, March 29, 2012

Tests mean stress

It's that time again- blood work and ct scan. It always gets me stressed and in a bad mood. Today I go for the ct scan and know I will feel like crap all day from the stuff I drink and iv contrast they give and it will mess my stomach up even more than it is already. And I have to drive my son 1 hr to practice and sit there for 3 hrs and then drive another hr home. I hope I don't throw up. I hate that my husband never comes to any appts/tests/even chemo with me. He doesn't even call me. He is out of touch with this. I am left to shoulder it on my own. So I pray on Tuesday when I go to get the results of these tests that it will be good since I will be by myself and I will have to go home to a full house of my kids since they will be home for spring break. It is so hard to forget about this cancer when something is always reminding you of it! So I have had more freak outs in the last few days than usual. Pleading prayer to God all is well.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Not a Survivor but a Warrior

I write that because (and I think I may have written about this before) I don't like being called that. It does not describe me. A survivor is someone who has survived something. I do not know that I have survived cancer. That is scary to write and think about. But it is reality. So many at the cancer support group I go to are people who have the cancer come back. Many others with cancer also don't like the term survivor. I read that some use the term warrior. That is a term I much more identify with and it sounds empowering and says what I do. I do feel like a person at war and fighting with this cancer. It is still a daily fight with it. I know to others it may seem like such a long time ago that I was dx and I should be back to normal by now. They have no clue, I didn't either before it was me. It still seems like not that long ago and still I can not get away from the cancer. I am getting better though. When I was first dx the feeling was like death. Death seemed so so close. And now I know that is because I was closer to death than before my dx. But now finally I don't feel like I am about to die at any moment. Now it is just a feeling of I will be here for another 3 yrs. That is what is in my head since they talk about 5 yr survival and I am coming up on my 2 yr since dx in May. Then thinking of that freaks me out-- it is too little time and I wonder if I can make it past that number. In general, I am emotionally doing better, only one "freak out" a day, better at fighting the bad thoughts and able to sleep a little bit better but still tire easily. The thing that has me down is the continued nerve damage in my feet. It hasn't gotten any better. I still try to put on my normal non croc shoes and can't even keep them on more than a second. And walking still sucks. And that lack of walking leads to my weight gain. I hate it. I think I just need to stop eating since I can't walk.

2 other people who blog that I follow and who have this stupid cancer, one passed and one in hospice. Another friend trying to prove the drs wrong that she will not be gone in the 2 mths they give her. :-(

My next round of blood tests and ct scan is the last week of March and will get the results April 3rd. Prayers wanted. Thank you!