Thursday, March 15, 2012

Not a Survivor but a Warrior

I write that because (and I think I may have written about this before) I don't like being called that. It does not describe me. A survivor is someone who has survived something. I do not know that I have survived cancer. That is scary to write and think about. But it is reality. So many at the cancer support group I go to are people who have the cancer come back. Many others with cancer also don't like the term survivor. I read that some use the term warrior. That is a term I much more identify with and it sounds empowering and says what I do. I do feel like a person at war and fighting with this cancer. It is still a daily fight with it. I know to others it may seem like such a long time ago that I was dx and I should be back to normal by now. They have no clue, I didn't either before it was me. It still seems like not that long ago and still I can not get away from the cancer. I am getting better though. When I was first dx the feeling was like death. Death seemed so so close. And now I know that is because I was closer to death than before my dx. But now finally I don't feel like I am about to die at any moment. Now it is just a feeling of I will be here for another 3 yrs. That is what is in my head since they talk about 5 yr survival and I am coming up on my 2 yr since dx in May. Then thinking of that freaks me out-- it is too little time and I wonder if I can make it past that number. In general, I am emotionally doing better, only one "freak out" a day, better at fighting the bad thoughts and able to sleep a little bit better but still tire easily. The thing that has me down is the continued nerve damage in my feet. It hasn't gotten any better. I still try to put on my normal non croc shoes and can't even keep them on more than a second. And walking still sucks. And that lack of walking leads to my weight gain. I hate it. I think I just need to stop eating since I can't walk.

2 other people who blog that I follow and who have this stupid cancer, one passed and one in hospice. Another friend trying to prove the drs wrong that she will not be gone in the 2 mths they give her. :-(

My next round of blood tests and ct scan is the last week of March and will get the results April 3rd. Prayers wanted. Thank you!

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