Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Like a pregnant lady

Like a pregnant lady, that is what it is like to live in remission land. Now, only those who have been pregnant will understand this and more so those who think back to that first pregnancy. Those darn braxton hicks contractions, they cause the pregnant mom to wonder "Is this it?" many times through out her pregnancy and any "off" symptoms to wonder if something is wrong, do I call the dr/midwife or not? And then the shame of having gone to the hospitial or calling the dr/midwife in the middle of the night and nothing is wrong and you are not in labor. That is where I am and that is what it is like, to call the dr or not call the dr. I am gun shy because I did call the dr last year when my arm was hurting. I waited 3 wks to go to the dr and then got an xray and they said all was well. And then 6 wks later my arm was better. I must have hurt it without knowing and a sore muscle can take that long to heal. Felt stupid and got all worked up over nothing and several dr appts to determine it was nothing. SO NOW I am in that place again. I have been "off" for a few weeks and now my left lower back hurts. What makes it worse is that it hurts more to sit or lay down! And you know my feet hurt to stand long periods of times! Sheesh! I feel broken. I read another's blog who died from this cancer and it was mets to her spine to find clues and comfort that, that is not me, and tell myself that the mets to the spine is very rare and most likely would be mets to my lungs or liver first. I sit and try and figure out what is going on. Is it really a problem or not. It is not that easy has to say go to the dr. Going will result in several office visits and tests and weeks waiting for results. And the stress of it. I just don't want to know bad news right now. I can't even let myself go that far to think what would happen if the cancer was back, I would have a full on panic attack. I have to be fine, I have to have normal back ache and nerve damaged feet causing me problems. Please pray I am fine. For now I am going to wait to get my lab results back, which should be Friday or Monday, if they are fine I will wait another week to see if I get any better and if not I guess I will go to the dr and pray I get to have the shame of going to the dr for nothing. And just in case some are wondering, yes I am still comfortable with my decision of no surgery, everyday I am glad I didn't have it, and even if the cancer comes back.


  1. I'm so sorry you have to live in this in-between place where that fear is always right there waiting. I think you did the right thing to decline the surgery. I will pray that any future doctor visits will just leave you saying, "whew! I'm glad it was just ____!" You deserve to have time with your children where you are not having to worry about the future any more than all mothers do. I hope all of your lab tests come back with good results.

  2. How are you? I keep checking to make sure all is well. Please know someone is thinking of you.

  3. Thank you both for your support, it really means so much to me.