Saturday, April 12, 2014


I am not strong.
I am not that other person you know that had cancer.
I am not you, if you had cancer.
I will grieve most everything that I have lost and what I will lose.(*see below for analogy)
I will grieve often.
I want to keep the life I want and have for as long as I can because soon I will not be able to do what I want and will lose it.
I am having a very hard time accepting how things are and how they will become.
I realize I can not be around people because I can not be this ideal cancer person and I have encountered that it is too hard for people to comprehend all that I have just written.
I hope I do not lose those that can understand all that I have written just now.
I am trying the best I can to cope.

Mayo was hell week. Exam "surgery" next week. Then 3 wks radiation, then surgery, then they'll see about chemo. Radiation done at Mayo. Hope Lodge free stay??? Nope, you get on the waiting list on your first day of rad. treatment and usually a 1-2 wk wait list so I would have to plan on my own hotel stay. Basically they said rad and surgery or nothing. Oh maybe some chemo that won't do anything then you will die a painful death, you must have surgery. So basically I have to figure it all out. And figure a way to be strong in the mist of every part of my life falling apart.

* You have your own car, you drive yourself wherever, whenever, and however you want to drive. Then one day someone says you can't have your car anymore. But they will drive you around but it is wherever they want, whenever they want, and however they want to drive. And then they say don't be sad, don't be upset, don't tell them how to drive, where to drive or when to drive, just be happy that you are getting help driving you around. Yes, you are grateful BUT can you not be sad, upset, cry and grieve that it is completely different and it will never be like it was. And can't you want to try and drive yourself for as long as you can until you know it must all change? THAT  is what is happening to me in every area of my life, I am crying, upset, sad, mad, grieving everything.


  1. I've read this... your latest post... so many times. Don't even know how to respond....except to say ...I continue to think of you, pray for you, (though not sure if you want prayers). I would like to know how you're doing... I do always look to see if you are better... happier?... Not "happy" with your life & situation, but just happy with the time with your husband & children. Surely there has to be some sort of positive side to this... I think of you everyday... Please find some peace and comfort... Karen in Austin.

  2. I so very much feel for you and I fully understand that you cannot be happy. I am not sure why people seem to think that someone in your situation should find happiness. I think of you. I will pray for you. I am so sorry but I cannot find any comforting words.

    1. Exactly! I am also befuddled as to why Karen in Austin seems to think 'there has to be some sort of positive side to this'. Karen, newsflash: certain things in life suck and have no 'positive side' to them whatsoever.

      Cancer is a devastating illness. I speak from experience and I completely understand how you feel. I am so very sorry.

  3. Thinking of you Kim Ann, and prayers continuing. Praying for your comfort and healing and strength to face the day.

  4. Was just checking your blog again for an update..... I pray for you everyday. I am so sorry my words were mis-construed, but I certainly see how they were. . I am truly, very, very sorry .... I'd never want to be one to cause you any sadness. I am in awe of your strength, in awe of what you do everyday.... I pray for your strength, your comfort, and your healing. ~ karen in austin. Again,I'm so sorry if my words caused you anguish.

  5. I am happy for my time with my kids. Positive things happen in my life (like anyone else) but I do not attribute positive things that happen to the fact I have cancer. For me, in my opinion nothing is positive about cancer. Like anything, everyone can have their own opinion and feelings. And I just want people to know how I feel and that I am not like those "other" cancer people and perhaps some other person may feel like me and not feel so alone because I feel alone. I can't believe my last post was so so long ago. It has been too hard lately and I have gone down hill mentally ( and you thought I was bad writing this blog entry LOL) . Thank you for the prayers for certainly I believe James 5:16 and since that verse does not apply to me I do not pray for myself.