Monday, October 18, 2010


So I tried not posting as you see for quite a while. Thought maybe that would help change things. But it didn't. The thoughts still come and I even feel worse since they stay in me instead of with writing I feel like they get out of me.

Someone asked me something along the lines of is this all I talk about, when have I talked about something else. Well, that made me upset. It instantly made me think of the movie Titanic. Remember the scene when the ship hits the iceberg and they start to get the life jackets out and try to get people on life boats and many people are talking and walking around thinking nothing bad is happening and they plan to go back to their room (be sure to have the bed turned down, and heat on and my tea and biscuits ready they even tell a maid). They don't put on the life jackets they go about things like the ship is NOT sinking. They are even playing music and drinking and going about things normally. I feel like that is the people around me and I am Rose running around and I realize the dire situation that the ship is sinking. Of course that is what I am thinking about and talking about, I am in a horrible situation and know it and feel it and it is consuming me as it should at this time. I have to fight this, I don't want to sink, I want to live and I have to think about and deal with it and not pretend it is not happening and that life will go on as normal. It will never be what it was and that sucks. So it is hard to be with people when I know the ship is sinking and I am trying to fight for my life and go about being "normal" or around people who want me to pretend the ship is not sinking and nothing has changed, just go back to normal and stop thinking and talking so much about my sinking ship.

So remember the warning on the top of my blog, this won't be pretty and turn back now if you can't handle my sinking ship since I will be like Rose running around trying to survive.


  1. Keep on fighting! You can't stop this cancer stuff/talk/obsession because you are fighting a battle and you will WIN! It encompasses you, we understand, you hate it, tell it it's dying and believe God healing and strong in His power...He is stronger than any 'ol stinkin' cancer can do it girl...I am over here, not as one who is oblivious but holding you up in prayer even when you can't see me...lifting you up...sending you strength..loving you from afar..keep fighting!! You can do it.

  2. I had a friend once who would stand in church and cry. I was so impressed because for all I knew you were supposed to keep a plastered smile on your face regardless of how you were feeling. There are so many people suffering in many ways who need to know it is okay to be real. Your honesty is an inspiration to all of us. I believe you should continue to share your true experiences. You may just help someone else realize it's okay to feel something other than perfect. We love you and your family Kim Ann!

  3. I totally agree with Kosta. I support you Kim Ann, and I am honored to learn from you in your journey. Talk all you need to.

    God Bless,


  4. I am so so sorry someone was insensitive and criticized your need to talk and write about what you are going through! If that person reads this, they should be ashamed of themselves. They clearly have no compassion and no idea how to empathize with someone who is struggling. That's awful!

    It's hard when people don't say helpful or supportive things. I've heard some dousies. I think people who are not in this mess maybe have a hard time understanding what it's like, understanding how serious it is and how much it just takes over your life. Cancer became a full time job for me for a better part of last year. It's hard to think of ANYTHING else. If blogging helps you, BLOG. You gotta do what you gotta do.

    Big hugs.

  5. Hi Kim Ann,

    You are real, and like the Velveteen Rabbit, real is the only thing that counts ever. The rest is just sawdust.

    Of course you can't begin to think of anything else right now, you're right. Your strength is focused on fighting. I know how therapeutic writing can be, keep it up, friend.

    Keeping you in my prayers,