Downer day

You just can't go by looks or time. I hate cancer! When will they find a cure??????? I just met a 29 yr old woman one week ago. She had just been dx 2 weeks with stage 4 breast cancer. She looked GREAT, YOUNG. She was JUST dx. She was fine how could she have cancer she seemed to think. She sat on the sofa wide eyed and shocked but ready for the fight ahead and like it would be all ok. I believed her, she was handling it all better than I was at the same dx point. I thought what a long road ahead of her. Then find out she died. It rocked me. I hate cancer, how can it do this??? None of the people I meet, the stories I read make any sense. It makes my head spin.

I have to write all I want to say to my kids. I have to write everything I want to teach them. Because no matter how good you look and the time the drs say they give you don't matter and something can just happen. Having cancer makes me feel so completely unsafe. It feels like a ticking time bomb except you don't see the numbers ticking down but you do know it is less numbers than the average person and it could go off at any time.

I met another person in real life with rectal cancer. She was older woman than me. She had been dx stage 3 like me, did the yada yada yada like you are supposed to do, they told her she had no cancer and then 1 yr since her dx it is now stage 4. Drs won't tell me I have no cancer despite all the tests coming back clean since I didn't do surgery like they wanted me to do. I wonder if it is harder to have them say no cancer and then just in a short time have the cancer come back. For me it would be. For me hearing it is back seems harder than the first dx of cancer. I don't think of myself as not having cancer even with the clean test results 1) because the drs don't think of me as no cancer 2)it seems like cancer just hides like a game of hide n seek just waiting for you to find it, it never really goes away in many cases it seems. So I consider mine hiding and I and the drs just can't see it right now. I hope it is longer than a year from my date of dx before I see it again. It is just one month until the day I was dx.

This whole post written through tears.