Monday, March 21, 2011

Neuropathy makes you feel crazy

This post comes because I left my house and went out into the world for a long day and was reminded again of how things are not normal.

This sums up the neuropathy that I have from the chemo that I got. It is funny that the dr didn't tell me I would have this after the chemo was done.

Since I don't go anywhere I can sort live with it since now I am so used to being like this. At home I only walk very little and then can go sit down anytime I like. It is when I go out it hits me, Oh, yeah, I can't walk like everyone else and like I used to. The wheel chair is a blessing and a pain. Great since I can be out without a time limit but bad since I get these looks (I think because I am young and remember I LOOK SO GOOD!) but then I can't go out by myself since I can't push the kind of wheel chair I have really well by myself for long distances (I have the neuropathy in my fingers too but not as bad as my legs/feet).

My neuropathy makes me feel like my shoes are too tight, it makes me feel like things that are not there, it makes me hurt, it makes me feel nothing at all, it makes touching hurt and weird sensations, it makes me question and not trust what I feel or don't feel. It mostly makes me feel crazy. I hate walking slow, I hate walking like a duck and an old person, I hate looking normal and walking weird, I hate the looks, I hate that I don't know when this will and if this will go away. I pray this is what I will have to deal with, I will happily complain about having this. Can this be the only thing I have to deal with, pretty please.

This is just one of the hidden side effects of cancer that people can't see. I have other hidden side effects but would rather not share since they are icky and I do try my best to keep them hidden but it is hard and such an interference with my daily life. People can see and know that after the chemo, after the radiation, after the surgery there is a whole bunch of never ending side effects physically and emotionally that keeps you.

Chemo and radiation and surgery, the gift that keeps on giving except it doesn't always keep the cancer away.

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