Friday, March 18, 2011

There's always something unexpected!

Can't things ever turn out how you think they will??


Thought I was just going back to the gyn for a follow biopsy-- but it didn't end there! First, she was GREAT! I think she gets where I am coming from. After I told her about the chemo dr appt (thought she should know I wouldn't be getting a CT scan), she got me in RIGHT THEN to another chemo dr! Amazing! But of course it scared the heck out of me since I was not prepared for that at that moment. And I have been dreading trying to find another chemo dr. It is so draining to actually do it and even just the thought of going to another dr appt is really getting to me. Appts and drs are so draining and such a downer on me. I just want a break. But no break. (I have 4 dr appts for the month of April!)

Thankfully, I had my friend with me who is on the short list to sainthood for coming to a super early morning appt and then staying even longer for another unexpected appt all the while with a toddler in tow (who was perfect). Thank you Saint Natalie (and Anna)!

Even though the new chemo dr appt went ok it was very, very stressful for me. The good news is he would give me a ct scan and proper follow up. I also learned that I was discussed at the tumor/cancer board meeting by all the drs, so all the local drs now know what a pain in the *ss I am! LOL The difficult patient that won't just follow along with them. So good to know how much harder it would have been to find a chemo dr if it wasn't for my gyn dr taking it upon herself to get me to see one. Plus, they would know immediately that it was me (even though they don't use names) since who else would have a rare cancer at a young age. Turns out my new chemo dr actually questioned why I was having this "full surgery" and perhaps I could do half the surgery. Nope, they all jumped on him for that comment. Oh, no, you don't do that, she's a T4 tumor!

So here's the big curve ball thrown during the unexpected dr appt and the last thing I was thinking when I went to meet him. His idea is to call the GI drs and ask if they would do half of the surgery. I am thrown for a loop when he says this and thrown into panic mode, and I am still in panic mode whenever I think (write) about it. Just when I thought I had made a decision about surgery now it could be back on the table. I did ask the GI dr if he would do half of the surgery way back when and he told me no but of course it was ME asking, maybe another dr asking is different.

Well, now I am just in an unknown zone waiting for a biopsy result, waiting to hear what the GI dr said about half surgery, wondering what will I do and wondering how I could do it all. And basically feeling like my life is always falling apart and just wanting a break from this all for a little bit. No, a long bit. It stinks just as one of my kids is getting counseling over this stupid cancer thing and the counselor had just reported "I think he is doing ok and now with everything settling down too it will help him", yeah, right, now it could be possibly thrown into more chaos again. My family's world is a mess and stressful and never stopping. I need a break but you can't get a break--something always happens.

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