Thursday, May 20, 2010

5, bargining, begging

5 is all I can think about. 5 yrs I can't be gone in 5. 5 is not long enough. That is the only number that I see when I read.

I keep asking for less and less. I am bargining with Him. I am now just begging, begging, begging. I have to be here for way more than 5.

I will take the torture for 5 yrs. I don't want torture for 5 yrs and then not be here.

The drive home from practice was horrible. A hour is such a long time to think. I am going crazy! I am going crazy.

I thought she lived a long time passed the horrible news, how lucky she was. It seemed like a long time then. But now it is not long enough. I don't want to be her. I don't want to be her.

One son asked me if he would be alive in 2020. I first thought I heard him ask if I would be here in 2020. I paused and realized he asked about himself. What would I have said if he asked if I would be here in 2020? Why did he ask me this?

I have talked so calm and rationally today. I hate talking like that. I have to talk like that so I don't scare people. I have to talk like that so I do not scream. When I talk so rationally I feel like I am talking about some other mom and her problem.

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