Monday, May 17, 2010

Cancer caught me?

On the way to the doctor I had told my friend I felt like my body was broken. It just may be.

Maybe I have an incompetent doctor. I can only hope for that now. She did tell me I had to pump and dump for 24 hours since she used fentanyl and versed for my procedure. Which is SO INCORRECT! (see for correct info on medications and breastfeeding.) Maybe she doesn't know what she is talking about when it comes to knowing if something is cancer or not. I can only hope for that right now. The pathology report comes back Thursday or Friday.

Does a doctor tell you you have cancer if you might not have it? Does she give you an appt. with another doctor that is only days away (when usually it takes wks/mths to get in to see them)? Does she tell you the cancer nurse will be calling you to talk to you?

I can only hope she doesn't know what cancer looks like.

I'm 37 years. I said I am getting old. Now I do not think I am old at all.

I am too busy for this. I have a whole summer planned for my kids. 6 kids--15, 10, 8, 6, 3, 8mths.

I don't want this. I can't and won't be one of those people who say "Why not me?" again.

I can give you plenty of reasons "why not me". My husband was medically discharged from Navy because of a back injury. He wanted to be in for life. We have a child with autism. We have another child with cystic fibrosis and an intellectual/cognitive disability. Another child is learning disabled. Another child is an incredibly talented gymnast who needs every last little bit of energy and time and money we have left after all of that to help him pursue what he loves so much. My 2 little ones need me so much and my baby needs me even more 24/7. (There is more but I will stop there since that is more than enough.) That is enough! I have already taken the high road one too many times and said the correct thing of "why not me?" I will not say it again. It should not be us. It is too much!

My favorite saying was "God won't give you more than you can handle". (And I would go on to say--) "Yep, He won't, but he will just keep me on the edge of that cliff. I won't fall off but I hate living on the edge of the cliff. " Right now I feel like I am hanging off the cliff with one hand holding on. At least before I had two feet planted on the solid ground. Will God pull me up and put me on solid ground? I can only hope I have an incompetent doctor. Who wishes for that? Only me, so I can answer the question "Cancer caught me?" with a no.

My friend who was with me at the very best time (the birth of our 6th child) was with me at the very worst time too. I hate that I dragged her into this storm. I am so grateful for her.

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