Saturday, May 22, 2010

No rest

I haven't gotten much sleep. At first I couldn't fall asleep since my brain was on overload and couldn't turn off. Now I can fall asleep since I am running towards it as my only escape from this cancer. A land of before this. But now I am only able to sleep for a few hours and then I wake up and can't go back to that escape. I haven't eaten much. I don't feel hungry at all and food doesn't taste good. It just taste bland.

The book they gave to me talks about getting from the "why me?" stage to the "why not me?" stage. Hell no, I am not going to that stage! I am not going to say I should have gotten this! I can't stand thought of being positive about getting this. What is positive about this?

I could barely handle what I had before I had no room for more how can I handle anymore when now I am surely overflowing and drowning? I don't want to. I am like a toddler in a temper tantrum saying over and over that I don't want to do this. But no matter it will not make it stop.

Have faith they say, you only need a mustard seed size faith. Well, right now mine is so small it can only be seen under a microscope.

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