Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Play, rewind, play, rewind

That is why I haven't posted. It is mostly the same yucky stuff going through my head. I can't sleep. I think, think, think, then say stop, stop, stop, then say sleep, sleep, sleep, but no sleep, it just comes back to think, think, think. During the day it is ever present. I feel like I am being followed by someone who is holding a gun to my head. It is always there. I can try to ignore it but then it always hits me like an ocean wave that knocks you down. I try to stay present and not think of the future but that is so hard to do. Even the present sucks. To much everyday life and then all of this to deal with. My mind is going to explode.

Port is coming soon and then that means chemo (on a pump) and radiation (5 days a wk!) and then that means no more nursing Super Trooper. I can't wrap my head around that and actually not nurse him. I will freak out. He will freak out. I don't have much milk saved up. We are trying to get him up to 3 jars of baby food a day and add yogurt. I hope he will understand that I love him even though I am being so mean. Pray he will understand.


  1. 23"(S)Truly I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be taken up and cast into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says is going to happen, it will be granted him.

    24"Therefore I say to you, (T)all things for which you pray and ask, believe that you have received them, and they will be granted you.

  2. You are not mean and your son will be fine. I can't imagine the heartache of premature weaning but you have NO choice. Doesn't make it hurt less though...