Monday, June 21, 2010

I don't know how I will do this

This is horrible. I am am having a freak out. How can I do this. I am horrible managing things right now and then I have to add chemo, radiation, more chemo then horrible life changing surgery too. I break out crying and going back to pretend this is someone else I am thinking about. Reading other people dealing with this is helpful and horrible at the same time. Torrow is going to be so horrible, it is hitting me now that is so soon. It will just be worse than it is now and I can't take much more it seems. As any mom knows it is hard to parent at times even when you are at your best mentally and physically and now I will not have that. Jedi has to work (chemo doesn't even stop him--yes we need him to work to pay the bills) but I just need him to really be here and care and understand, I don't even think he still gets what is happening, he still thinks this is no big deal, just some medicine like tylenol. I don't want to hear you will get through this. Yes, ok, I will get through this but it will drive me over the cliff hanging by one finger. Tell me how you manage your children and life while hanging on by a finger. I am crying in front of Princess and Trooper. He's too young to understand and Princess doesn't say anything because she is used to seeing me cry now.

Maybe I won't be sick after chemo but I know my mind will be and I don't know how I will function with Trooper.


  1. Kim Ann--
    I have been thinking of you all day today. I am praying for a peace that will allow you to do this even if you're not sure how you're going to do it. Regardless of the awful medication that will be put into you, your kids have an *amazing and strong* mother. My heart is breaking for you about weaning. I hope you feel the love of everyone who knows and loves you wrapped around you tomorrow and during this entire "storm". I would like to ask you about some ways of helping you and your family. You can let me know the best way to get in touch. Much love, Kristy

  2. Men handle things different Kim Ann. He needs to feel useful while he hurts deeply inside. Providing for you is what keeps him going. He is there for you, just be patient and let him be there the way he knows and love him up when he is near.
    I hope you will always let me tell you the truth, as I have been through very similar (not the same) experiences. I know you are still going through your feelings, but you have to try to get to the point of saying positive things because your thinking is going to affect your healing, your immune system, must tell yourself that you CAN DO THIS with God's strength and that your mind is healthy, your kids are brave and helpful, on and on...this is part of your cancer killing warfare!! I could go on and on and I can tell you a plethora of things we did to facilitate Bryce's chemo and healing whenever you are ready.
    Take care and praying that you find a renewed strength within you and in the Lord to fight this and win!! You are a warrior...and cancer can and will FEAR YOU!!