Saturday, June 26, 2010


Thursday was the worst. I was tired like I have not been tired before and throwing up, stomach hurting on top of the other symptoms I already had. The last couple of days have been a blur. This is supposed to be the easy time. It is only supposed to get worse they say. I have recovered by Saturday like they said I would with the first chemo round. The next time it will take more days to recover and then more days to recover until I don't recover until I stop this chemo. This is horrible. How will I do this??? I am a wimp for sure. I can barely make it through pregnancy and labor. How can I cope and do this??? I feel like the worst thing about cancer (next to effecting everyone around me) is that it kills you while you are living. It kills your life. You have no life, cancer consumes it all. And it makes me feel so horrible beyond what I have ever known.

Trooper has adjusted to taking the bottle. He has changed since weaning. He acts like he is disconnected from me and the world. He just lays his head down on me and anyone who holds him. He doesn't play on the floor anymore. He just wants to be held. Which I like to do, but he is not himself, he doesn't smile as much or act like he used to. He is different, his spark is gone. It is true what I wrote before about giving every smile I have to my kids. I don't have a lot of them to give and I give them all to him trying to make him be the baby he used to be. I am still so glad I didn't wean him earlier. I miss nursing him so much. When I lay down I miss nursing him at night. We don't even sleep together anymore. Jedi holds him all night in the recliner.

I hate bottle feeding. I don't understand how people say it is easier! It is so hard and complicated and takes forever! How much to make and how much does he want this time, cleaning bottles, and putting them back together, how to transport them and make sure it is at the right temp and doesn't go bad. It is a PAIN. I would love to give a demo of what I do when I feed him now verses what I used to do---just left my shirt and feed him. I feel disconnected from him when I feed him. This is definitely different than nursing him. Though, I do want to say a BIG thank you to my friend Molly who has done everything she can to make bottle feeding easier. I would have been overwhelmed for sure without her thinking for me during this horrible time.

I am not looking forward to July 6, that is my 2nd round of chemo.

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