Saturday, January 8, 2011

Just an update and who wrote this song???

Amazing how little things make me happy and excited. My oldest son tells me of how he did on his video game and at his Nerf War he plays with some friends. I love seeing him happy! Got excited over my sons Webkinz prizes he got. Was in happiness watching my son do gymnastics. I have to hold onto these things.

I have a PET scan in a couple of weeks. I wonder what it will show? The drs don't care what it shows. To them, no matter what, they think I should have horrible surgery. My cancer blood marker test has continued to go down and has been normal since the second round of chemo. The tumor was 4cm by 4cm when I was dx and then just over a month ago they said it was a scab. But to them it makes no difference. So it is hard to be excited since the drs don't care. I just don't want horrible surgery. I wish I could know that surgery would make me better and not just be a chance. I hate just a "chance" I want a "for sure" for such a major life changing surgery that has a high complication rate.

Heard a song called (I think) Live Like You Were Dying, I wonder who wrote it? I don't think someone who was dying wrote it. It says

"I asked him when it sank in
that this might really be the real end
how's it hit you when you get that kinda news
man what'd you do

and he said
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named FuManchu

..........and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying."

Really??? I guess that guy wasn't sick and didn't do chemo or radiation or have surgery because if you did you wouldn't be able to do that stuff LOL! I was so sick and still can't do that stuff! For me, before dx you think what you would do if it happened to you and then it happens and you can't be how you thought you would be or do the things you thought you would do. LIFE, every day reality gets in the way. It doesn't care about your bucket list, chemo doesn't care, your body can't overcome it all. I tried to do those things and it bit me in the butt. I said lets go do things with the kids, who cares we can't afford it, it's now or never, but it comes back to bite you. Everyday, life keeps going on, you can't go and climb that mountain you wanted, you can't drop it all and do the things you want or do the things you want with the ones you love. Life still is going and you can't really break away from it and live like you are dying and there is no tomorrow. There is consequences for doing that.
And really, I don't want anyone to get the chance live like they are dying. I just want them to be happy and live real life and not some hurry up I am about to die life.

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