Monday, January 17, 2011

Crying over no quantity

I have think I have cried so much that now I really hate it! I hate crying, I hate having no control over crying!

I absolutely hate the thought of not being here for my kids. I hate that thought creeps in so much and that it hits me at any moment and anything can make me think it.I was organizing the school books and thought I should keep this stuff for Princess and Trooper for when they get older and that made me start to cry. I heard the song "I Loved Her First" on the radio, completely made me break down. Yep, that song is supposed to be about a dad giving her daughter away on her wedding day and I thought I would not be there for it. I didn't have a typical wedding. I always joke that Jedi never asked me to marry him. He just came home after a deployment (he was in the Navy) and said we are going to get married on February 9. We did on the carrier by the ship chaplain with my sister and his friend there. A white dress, yes, but not a real wedding dress. No honeymoon because he was off to sea again. I have big plans for my daughter if she would get married, it would be so fun to plan with her. This is just the one thing I can't stand, the thought of not being here, it drops me every time I think of it, which is a lot.

I don't want to hear make the best of the time now, nope! I can try as I might but time is what I need. Just as when Jedi would be deployed so much when he was in the Navy. It wasn't about making the best of the time we had together when he was home, it was really about knowing we needed to be together and it sucked not being together. Heck, even though we would try to make the best of the time when he was home it was hard to do. There was such pressure for it to be perfect and do everything before he left. And that and just life in general makes it impossible to have it be great and we would end up in a fight because of the stress of it all. People say it is about quality time, over quantity of time---usually they are saying this in reference to parents being with their kids since they work----well, BULL it is about BOTH. You NEED quantity and I don't have that and we all know how tough it is to make it be quality because things get in the way of that no matter how hard you try. Funny how I have this time with my kids and yet since being dx I have spent more time away from them than ever before.

Tonight me and my friend talked about needing time to ourselves. Taking a hour in the morning when it is quiet or late at night to think and chill. I hate that I talk that way, yet I still need that time, why do I need that still???? Do I need it or am I being selfish in the middle of this to take time for myself? I know I said I hate talking that way, but I like talking that way too because for or a moment it is talking like I did before cancer. Joking how you need to get away from the kids. Away from the kids. I will be away from them.

1 comment:

  1. I wish I could say that I don't know how you feel but, sadly, I do. I have similar thoughts about my son..but then I have to dismiss them, send them away in the name of Jesus....I am speaking healing to you Kim Ann...sending it in droves, sending energy for you to go to town and kick some cancer butt!! Thanks for your honesty, you are not selfish and you are not finished!!
    Love Tonya