Saturday, January 15, 2011

Way overwhelmed

Way, way, way overwhelmed!!!! It is not one thing, it is *every* *thing*. At least it is not every second and about a few times a day that things are just too much and I break down. It is too much to think about and deal with. I can't have my "before" life back, I know that. But I can't get good at this new life. It is only just *being* in this new life. *Doing* something about this "after" is too overwhelming and gets me down. It is easier to just "be" than "do". It is easy to think about it but very hard to do something about it, mostly because it is hard to decide what to do about it all and then there is all the work to do it, that is if I could ever decide what to do!

Editing this post to add something I just thought of:
I woke up this morning like all the mornings since having cancer *treatment*----tired, ready to go and lay back down. And today when I moved from my futon bed (I sleep in the living room since stairs are too much) to the recliner and I sat there checking out the internet and watching Jedi fix breaskfast for the kids I had thoughts of all I need to do and things in my *head* sound do able. And THEN I closed my laptop and posted the upper part of this post and realized as I went to do these things that my *head* says I can do, I can not really do them, I am so physically tired. My head tells me one thing but my body tells me another. I feel so lazy physically. My brain is go go go and then I move and then remember it is too much. The walk I do from, one side of the U of Iowa Field House wears me out and I am glad to sit once I get there to watch my son (and it doens't help that the nerve damage, it hurts my feet to walk long ways). So I really think being tired physically effects my brain too, making things just seem to overwhelming because it will require me to do something. My brain is trying to fight that and say I can but then my body rebels and says no you can't.

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