First I will tell you how the dr appt went on Monday. I got only see the gyn oncology dr He did an exam and found/saw nothing not even radiation damage. Normal healthy tissue! Again great news! But to the drs it does not matter! Still same surgery, not even less invasive surgery. This makes it so hard on top of the PET scan results. How do I not even have radiation damage?? I just got done with radiation. AND that machine did work, I had the pain and skin damage while I was doing it to prove it! He laid out his plans for what his part of the surgery would be. Yuck hated listening to it. It would be easier to say yes to surgery if the pet scan was worse or the exam found something. I know all the medical scientific reasons to have surgery---it could be too small to see, cut it out where it was to help it lessen the chance of coming back, it will be worse if it comes back. The medical info and standard of care is--do the surgery. 4 drs told me this.
They penciled me in to do the set up for the surgery and penciled me in to do surgery Tuesday Feb 22.
Tuesday morning I woke up and had a full blown freak out and melt down. At least I waited till the kids left for school. My mom wanting info on the surgery so she could get her paperwork in order so she could take leave. I was like mom you don't understand I don't know if I am going to have surgery or not! I can't decide. I then talk to my sister, she calms me down. She understands why I don't want the surgery.
I decided since the going back and forth was driving me crazy I would take a whole day like I was not going to have surgery. And then the next day would be a whole day of yes I am having the surgery.
On Tuesday as soon as I started to think I would not have surgery I started having calm and relief. I felt like I could see a future. It seemed like I could plan and think and do things. I had not felt this way at all since I got dx. And even though I knew it could be short, I felt ok at least I have now and right now my body is good. I felt like I was giving my body a chance. It was also the first real time I have had to absorb the good news and like the good news of the scan and exam. I felt intensely that God had answered every ones prayers for me. WOW that was a huge feeling that covered me completely and the drs didn't even care that I had done so well. The drs had taken that good news away from me. God cared and answered when I was horrible all the way through this. I only had begging and where are you prayers. I want people to know that God answered their prayers. He was working even though I couldn't feel him and I felt alone. I now it was because of YOUR prayers. THANK YOU from my heart for praying all that you did for me. I also realized this whole time I had only been thinking of this decision medically. Yes, medically I should have this surgery. A dr can do that, they are supposed to look at something medical, a narrow focus. They can't look at the whole picture, they don't know me, they know medical. It is up to me look at the whole picture and take the non medical into consideration. I also realized to not have surgery means I have to work hard to live. I would have to search out a dr who would do proper follow up on me. I knew I would need prayers from everyone, will everyone still pray for me. I also know I want to live differently I don't want to be my old precancer self. I know I can't be that anyways but also I don't want to be how I have been during this cancer treatment time either. It will be a challenge to do this. But if I am to not do surgery I have to be different so I know that it was worth it and I changed. I also thought about how I would feel if it came back. I have been smacked upside the head that life here on earth is not forever, yeah we all know that, but I FELT it. And I know no matter what, life here is not forever and that is how it is no matter what I choose.
I was supposed to wake up Wednesday and say I am having surgery for the whole day. I just couldn't do that. I didn't want to do that. I didn't do that. The the GI called me (remember how he called me before). Instant horrible feelings comes over me. He said the other dr had penciled me in for surgery, am I having the surgery? Ugh. In my head I think I am not having the surgery. Though I tell him I don't know. I ask him do you want me to do the set up (long set appts for this type of surgery) if I don't know and I very well could say no surgery. Just like usual no definite answer from him! I ask again, I might not do surgery right now I don't want to do it. The conversation ends with me doing the set up and him knowing I still may not do surgery. Is it a good thing to do the set up for surgery? I sort of feel like it will force me to have a day where I think I am having surgery and then I would know for sure if I still felt this way I knew this is what I should do. Please pray that I know what I should do. Does God still write things on stone tablets to tell people what to do? LOL
Give THANKS TO GOD and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE still pray for me.