Another hard day, up, down, up down, yes, no, yes, no

Woke Saturday morning with a continuance of the previous days hardness. The day literally was like a roller coaster. Up down up down up down yes no yes no yes no ALL day long. Yes I can do surgery yes I will do surgery no can't do surgery no will not do surgery. I was so upset at having to make this decision. It seems like gambling. I hate gambling. I hate games of chance I like games where what you do determines your outcome not just luck. So far it has seemed like just trying to determine which option (surgery or no surgery) would be luckier. BUT knowing you can't know your luck beforehand! All of cancer really seems like a luck thing, it seems to have no rhyme or reason. Also, in my head is thinking of how I could cope with doing surgery. I have come to the conclusion I won't cope well with it at all afterwards, even Jedi knows that. I am glad he knows that. Basically it comes down to do this horrible radical surgery ---the drs, studies even say this about this surgery!--- so you can have a *little* bit of a *chance* (remember the whole luck thing that no one can predict)compared to having no surgery but the price of this little bit of chance is HUGE because the surgery is radical and has 30-47% complication rate. It seems to be all about luck, which way will the coin fall for me. So for me this is replaying in my head all the time since it seems impossible to come to an answer, the right answer, there seems to be no right answer. I like a clear right answer.

Sunday morning comes and I awake thinking of a friend, how great she is, how I want nothing bad to ever happen to her. I feel like today maybe I can be off the roller coaster for awhile though I know I will have to get back on soon because an answer has to be given soon. Remember the ticking clock ticking down.