Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Before and After

I forgot to mention I got a haircut. I finally got up the bravery to go and get my haircut again after that horrible haircut that I got to prepare for my hair falling out. I was nervous when I got there, but figured it couldn't look worse than it already was. My hair was so uneven from breaking and falling out and thinner in certain spots. She did a great job and mad it look so good. I was so happy. I do love my hair now. I had worn my chemo hair in a very small thin stub of a pony tail since June never taking it down or rarely washing or brushing it since more would just fall out. Now it has finally stopped shedding.

I wrote a post about how the "you look so good" comments bother me. I think I really know why it bothers me. A mother died yesterday. I had met her twice and I remember her story and her face and exactly how she looked (Natalie knows how big that is! LOL--inside joke!). She looked SO GOOD. So good. So normal. Nothing wrong with her. Yet she had cancer. Looks don't tell you everything, looks don't tell you anything. You can have cancer and look so good on the outside but on the inside it looks so bad. I went to the "Look Good, Feel Better" program for cancer patients and yes I feel better about my hair looking better now but looking good doesn't make my cancer any better. That mother who died yesterday was dx only 8 months ago and she looked so good. I have met many people now who look good and sound good (another thing people like to say to you). It doesn't mean anything is better because you look and sound good.

I know for some it may be a good thing for them to stay away from hearing about others who die of cancer but for me it is a helpful reminder. I remember I ran away from it before I was dx. Now there is no running away from it. The Gilda's Club Leader (she does not have cancer just moderates the group) says you should take a cancer free day and not think about the cancer, pretend you don't have it. Like yeah right! How do you do that! No way! The nerve pain reminds me all the time, not nursing Trooper reminds me all the time, anything can make me think about cancer! I did have a few hours in August when we went to Wisconsin Dells that I didn't think about the cancer and then when I did it came crashing down on me. I think (for me) it is not good to pretend I don't have cancer. I think learning to live and manage it will be more helpful for me.


I taped Little Hercules at the gym today, his coach said for him to watch it so he could see himself. When we played it we saw the older things that were recorded. There was me and Trooper dated 2 days before my dx and then there was us recorded 2 days after my dx. I had no idea our life would change so drastically and so fast. How I wish for the days before my dx. No matter the worst days, it was better than now. I also saw the videos we taped of me nursing Trooper. It was to remember and to show him so he would latch on again. I just cried and cried. My life will be before and after my cancer dx. Trooper wasn't interested in watching the TV. That made me cry. I had come to the ok feeling that he may not nurse again---I keep telling myself it would be ok if he doesn't. I say that to make myself feel better. But seeing those videos of him nursing just breaks my heart and crushes me. It was so amazing to see him nurse so easily and latch on and off without even thinking. And now nothing from him. How easy it was to nurse and how comforting for him and me. How attached we were. I miss it so much! Why won't he nurse? Is he mad at me for weaning him? Was he just too young and doesn't remember?


  1. You sound like you have a good attitude. it's hard to get "the haircut". I agree with you about the "you look good comments'. I feel like people are shocked when they see me. I think they think I'll look really bad. I feel like I'm really being scrutinized.

    I hate that we go through this. You're in my thoughts. Best. Ann

  2. I went through the process of trying to convince my 18 month old to nurse again after 6 months off (during my pregnancy). She was adamant about her refusal and it broke my heart. But, suddenly after 10 weeks she started again and hasn't looked back (nearly 3 now). We tried everything! In the end I'm convinced it was the fact I got thrush and my nipple became more like a bottle. The nipple shield she just thought was weird, but the plastic-y skin texture was acceptable. I also wondered if she was mad while she was refusing me, and struggled a lot. I can't imagine having to cope with cancer as well. My heart goes out to you. And I hope he comes around soon.