Tuesday, December 28, 2010

So busy, so tired, but now have hope

I wish I could just post my thoughts without having to type them--1) it hurts to type 2) I am having a hard time finding time to type 3) I still need to get these thoughts out of my head because they keep replaying in my mind until I do.

A family anonymously gave Christmas to our family. It was a huge surprise! I was so sad that we were not going to be able to keep our family tradition of going to Wisconsin Dells for Christmas (we had done this instead of presents). This family gave us a stay at a very close waterpark which was perfect since it was super close so my oldest son could drive (it hurts to drive with my feet and the 5 hr trip would have been too much for me and not ok for my newbie driver son to do on back roads and snow to Wisconsin), and the waterpark is small so I could sit and watch all the kids at once (the water and walking without shoes hurts too much). It was really perfect. Then I got really sick the second day and we had to come home early. But still the kids seemed ok with it all.

I am now in no more pain from the radiation despite my skin still looking bad. I still feel like the chemo and radiation effects are still there though and get tired easily and just feel run downed. I have a wheelchair now and that has been a huge help for when I go out. We went to the mall. It was great to be able to go to all the places I wanted to go. My pain from the nerve damage finally has stopped getting worse and is leveled off. This makes me happy like maybe it will get better with time. I haven't had a lot of the intense pain, it is amazing how your mood can change when you are not in so much pain.

To tell the truth I haven't had any hope since being dx with cancer. I immediately felt gone. But after learning about my Granny's (my dad's mom) life it gives me hope for the first time that maybe I can live and maybe I can be strong like she was. And it gives me hope for how my kids will think of me. I still have those moments of despair but at least now I do have moments of hope.

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