Titanic

So I tried not posting as you see for quite a while. Thought maybe that would help change things. But it didn't. The thoughts still come and I even feel worse since they stay in me instead of with writing I feel like they get out of me.

Someone asked me something along the lines of is this all I talk about, when have I talked about something else. Well, that made me upset. It instantly made me think of the movie Titanic. Remember the scene when the ship hits the iceberg and they start to get the life jackets out and try to get people on life boats and many people are talking and walking around thinking nothing bad is happening and they plan to go back to their room (be sure to have the bed turned down, and heat on and my tea and biscuits ready they even tell a maid). They don't put on the life jackets they go about things like the ship is NOT sinking. They are even playing music and drinking and going about things normally. I feel like that is the people around me and I am Rose running around and I realize the dire situation that the ship is sinking. Of course that is what I am thinking about and talking about, I am in a horrible situation and know it and feel it and it is consuming me as it should at this time. I have to fight this, I don't want to sink, I want to live and I have to think about and deal with it and not pretend it is not happening and that life will go on as normal. It will never be what it was and that sucks. So it is hard to be with people when I know the ship is sinking and I am trying to fight for my life and go about being "normal" or around people who want me to pretend the ship is not sinking and nothing has changed, just go back to normal and stop thinking and talking so much about my sinking ship.

So remember the warning on the top of my blog, this won't be pretty and turn back now if you can't handle my sinking ship since I will be like Rose running around trying to survive.

Another song I needed

This is my prayer now I have to do this

What Faith Can Do by Kutless

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise


you can see it here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGStix70S1k&feature=related

This was also given to me by the same lady----thanks to her---I needed this.

Who knew Hannah Montana was so wise

Another lady with cancer told me to listen to this song:

The Climb

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreamin
But there's a voice inside my head that says I'll never make it
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shakin
But I gotta keep tryin
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanta make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it but these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most yeah
I just gotta keep going
And I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on 'cause

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
But sometimes I gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith

It's all about the climb
Keep your faith
Keep your faith

**********************
You can see it here-- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rkwU92ak07Q&feature=related

I just have to keep playing this over and over in my head.
I want to do this. I listen to this song in the van on the way home from gymnastics with Lil Hercules, hopefully he didn't see me cryin. It was dark.

Trooper Bday, Chemo diet, and I know why this blog is such a downer

I know why this blog is such a downer. I only write when I am down. When I am "ok" I don't post, I am doing things, living life.

But here is some good news. And I mean it. I went to get out jeans since now I get cold easy and then I start to hurt. It was so great fitting into all these jeans that I hadn't worn in forever ( I save all these don't fit clothes before this--you know one day you will fit them) well now I fit them. I love it, it was so fun and made me happy to fit so nicely into them. I love getting dressed now. So for me that is the good thing about chemo, a great and super easy diet. I hated diets before this, it was hard to loose weight. Now it comes off easy.

Today we are celebrating Troopers birthday even though it was Wednesday. He is 1 yr old! And the good thing we made it to 1 yr of nothing but breastmilk! I am so thankful for ALL the milk mamas who helped make that possible, no matter how much or little you gave, we use every drop and grateful no matter the amount you gave. I haven't been out to the deep freeze to see how much is left, scared to but hopefully since it is full we can make it another few months of breastmilk for him. We of course got him a Star Wars birthday cake. On the cake we told the lady to put happy birthday Trooper. We didn't say that wasn't his real name. She gave a look like you named you kid Trooper. :-)

I know I am not helpful and the odds

I know this blog is not helpful to the person who finds this and has cancer, sorry I just can't be that way right now, maybe never it feels like. I have come across several blogs that are helpful and I thank them for that, they are way better at this than me. I think it is because I just can't handle anymore at times, I can't be helpful since I am so far in need of help. So remember that is why I put the warning on my the top of my blog to turn back now since this won't help anyone.

I haven't talk to my dad before this for years and recently I had started talking to him on skype (you must try this, very neat and free!). Anyway I haven't talked to him in over a week now and nothing happened between us like it usually would have, it is just that I can't see him with me like this. I think it would be hard for him to see me like this than me not talking with anymore.

This cancer is like a puzzle. When I was first dx I got one piece of the puzzle and every day since then I am getting more and more pieces of the puzzle and I hate the way the picture is looking.

The odds--I should play the lottery--that I person my age would get this type of cancer-- .05 %
Is that shocking or what? Don't forget the point-- way less than 1% chance!

5 Year Survival Rates for my specific cancer type and Stage 3B (T4,N1)---35%-42%

Chance of recurrence 50%

Chance that it will recur within the first year after surgery 5-30%

no cute title for this post

When we went on our family vacation this weekend I had the longest times of not thinking about cancer-- a couple of hours where it didn't cross my mind. But of course it always comes back across my mind and it even hurts more when you haven't thought about it for a longer time since you are lulled into this fake world that nothing is wrong and you don't have cancer. I have talked to 2 people that had horrible things happen, they sound and act so normal. Yep, you just have to be normal, there is no other way to be or you would just crawl into a hole. Yet I hate being normal, there is no reason to be normal. It feels so fake.

I cried tonight. I hate it. Seeing how things will not be the same.

We already talked about that

How well do you think it would go over with a new mom if I told her "I already talked to you about how to increase supply (or wean a baby, how to latch etc). " "We already talked about this, we don't need to talk about it again." Yeah, how long would it take for people not to want to call me for help? How would that mom feel? For the record I would never tell a mom that. I know when a mom talks with me it is often important to go over things again especially when she calls me back since when she first called she was in a different mindset than when she calls back the second or third time.

Well, that is what my chemo dr said to me when I asked questions. "I already told you, we already talked about this." I even had to point out I was in a different mindset when we talked before and I need to go over the info again so I can absorb it and make decisions. That didn't matter to him. In general, I haven't been happy with any of the cancer drs I have met. They must be numb to this. This is no big deal to them, I am just a number, they just want me to shut up and do whatever they say and don't question and don't ask the hard questions or repeat questions. They don't even tell you the side effects and when they do they down play it. I guess they don't have to tell you about the very bad (death causing) side effects because it doesn't matter, you have cancer and that causes death so so what if the drug can cause the same thing.

I am paying you dr so answer my questions, tell me things! Yet they don't get that or don't care since there will always be another cancer patient to take my place.