Like a pregnant lady

Like a pregnant lady, that is what it is like to live in remission land. Now, only those who have been pregnant will understand this and more so those who think back to that first pregnancy. Those darn braxton hicks contractions, they cause the pregnant mom to wonder "Is this it?" many times through out her pregnancy and any "off" symptoms to wonder if something is wrong, do I call the dr/midwife or not? And then the shame of having gone to the hospitial or calling the dr/midwife in the middle of the night and nothing is wrong and you are not in labor. That is where I am and that is what it is like, to call the dr or not call the dr. I am gun shy because I did call the dr last year when my arm was hurting. I waited 3 wks to go to the dr and then got an xray and they said all was well. And then 6 wks later my arm was better. I must have hurt it without knowing and a sore muscle can take that long to heal. Felt stupid and got all worked up over nothing and several dr appts to determine it was nothing. SO NOW I am in that place again. I have been "off" for a few weeks and now my left lower back hurts. What makes it worse is that it hurts more to sit or lay down! And you know my feet hurt to stand long periods of times! Sheesh! I feel broken. I read another's blog who died from this cancer and it was mets to her spine to find clues and comfort that, that is not me, and tell myself that the mets to the spine is very rare and most likely would be mets to my lungs or liver first. I sit and try and figure out what is going on. Is it really a problem or not. It is not that easy has to say go to the dr. Going will result in several office visits and tests and weeks waiting for results. And the stress of it. I just don't want to know bad news right now. I can't even let myself go that far to think what would happen if the cancer was back, I would have a full on panic attack. I have to be fine, I have to have normal back ache and nerve damaged feet causing me problems. Please pray I am fine. For now I am going to wait to get my lab results back, which should be Friday or Monday, if they are fine I will wait another week to see if I get any better and if not I guess I will go to the dr and pray I get to have the shame of going to the dr for nothing. And just in case some are wondering, yes I am still comfortable with my decision of no surgery, everyday I am glad I didn't have it, and even if the cancer comes back.

Still filled with thoughts

Can't believe it has been since September that I have posted here. I have "written" a hundred blog posts in my head while I lay in bed unable to sleep or drive in the car for the long 2 hour trip to take my son to practice. The thoughts don't stop even though I haven't written them here. Cancer took another, a young boy, who fought 4 years braver than anything. His family also fought that battle. I went to his funeral, it was very hard. I had not gone to any other funerals of my friends that had passed from cancer. It reminded me why I have not gone to church, I would just cry. I hate crying, I am so sick of crying. I am crying while I type this! I had a flash of seeing my children at my funeral, and my daughter's face who was not understanding where I had gone and my youngest, the baby, just happy because he doesn't know anything. I pushed it out of my head and just prayed for the boy's family. I did have tests back in Oct and was still in remission. I will have more tests in Feb. and then in April. I am still the same emotionally, walking still hard, feet hurt. The only thing that makes me not be so down is the thought that this is better than having it come back and then say a pleading prayer to have it stay away. It feels so wrong for me to pray for that, it feels like I am asking for too much, too greedy, too undeserving, too much to hope for, but I pray that for my children and that is why I ask for continued prayers from others. My friends gave a much needed gift to me and my children. It was needed in the physical sense for sure but what I got was a gift in the way that was emotionally a huge gift. It reminded me people care and continues to lift my spirits whenever I think about it.

No rhyme, no reason

A recurrence for stage one after 4 yrs remission, chemo not working for another, ongoing side effects and vague test results waiting in limbo for another. They do not deserve this, they did everything right. I mad at that, it makes no sense. That is why I get scared, that is why I continue to feel down. I did not and do not do everything right. They did all the recommended treatments, healthy eating, exercise, supplements, positive attitude, prayer. If it can happen to them with all those things done right it can happen to me. Cancer seems to never be over till it is over. I hate that I feel down. You shouldn't be down says the stage 4, I wish I was stage 3 in remission, I would be happy, you should be happy. The non cancer person, you should be happy your are in remission, I would be happy if it was me. Ugh, I want to be happy and normal but that cancer is lurking and waiting to catch me again. I am doing my best to be better but it is a fight every moment. I play mind numbing games to not think about cancer. (Thank you Words With Friends players and Facebook Tail Towns Friends players!) The religious person might say focus on God and pray, but I am not in that place and thinking about God just makes me think about meeting Him one day (death) and being away from my kids. I have been extra down because of something that happened a couple months back and it is thrown me again down to the ground. BUT I am doing my best to be better for my kids, they are what keep me going. Perfect words for what I feel: After you live the darker side, face the death of dreams that died I've been there, out of hope and out of place, walking on one thread of faith Giving up and giving in, coming back from where you've been, still trying, to fight the demons, give them hell, heal the wounds, tell yourself that you're living Even when it feels like everything is broken it is holding on and letting go We face the fire and take the burn and live and learn We take what we are given and someone we survive Life is for the Living, Ryan MIchaels Band

Don't Dance

My little Princess has been taking dance. I love watching her. I love dancing and used to dance. Her class was canceled because of July 4th so I thought I would do a "dance class" at home with her before her next one to refresh her memory of things. That was a big mistake! I limit myself with walking to short spurts around the house and sit back down before it starts hurting bad and the only other walking I do is this long walk (to me!) in this huge building for my son's gymnastics. I get really sore just has I reach it but then get to sit down. As I start "class" with her, I had my (only shoes I can wear) Crocs on and could see that was not going to work to show her things (and it felt so ungraceful). So I put on an extra fluffy pair of socks, the kind they sell in the winter. My feet immediately hurt because of wearing no shoes, something I ordinarily never do but I wanted to do dance right. It hurt the whole time, even just standing there. The class lasted about 15 minutes. It hurt to put pressure on the ball of my feet or to even point or do any dance moves correctly. It was a mess I couldn't teach her anything! I went to the bathroom and cried. Since I have limited my walking (I have gotten fat!) and it lulls me into this false sense that I am ok and maybe I can really just walk and be normal so I tried to be normal and do something normal, something I REALLY wanted to do and realized I can't do it like I used to. At my last drs appt. they resigned the papers for the handicap parking. There is two boxes to choose from-temporary (6mths) or permanent. Each time I have always checked temporary thinking it would get better and because since I walk so little it feels like it is not that bad. But from that dance class I see how awful I am and no wonder I don't walk, not walking makes things seem ok, no pain. And now my feet have rebelled against me for making them move and have been in constant pain for the last 4 days, just screaming at me to remember don't walk again, don't dance again.

Still good tests!

My latest round of tests came back good! A big relief every time.

Kerry on

My friend who was outgoing, funny, very kind and caring and a load of fun and only 42 died. The cancer got her. It doesn't seem real. I want to keep it that way. If I don't go to her funeral then it won't seem really real. She knew I might not go to her funeral. I will see when I wake up tomorrow if I will go or not.

2 Years

It has been 2 yrs since the horrible news. Still feels like yesterday and still trapped in cancerland. It is amazing I made it 2 yrs without a recurrence considering what the doctors said and I didn't have surgery. I do still feel like I am on a timeline since I didn't do surgery and knowing the high recurrence rate for this cancer. It sort of feels like I only have 3 years left, they always talk about chance of survival for cancer in terms of 5 yrs. It is like you are glad to have another birthday year but with each year that passes it feels like you are closer to death. And an update on my post from one year ago---none of my sisters have gotten a scope done.