As I have already said this blog will not be helpful. And even though it may seem as if I am telling everything I am going through and every feeling I feel, it is not. It is too much and too much of things some people don't want to know how it really is. I know before this I had NO CLUE what it meant to have cancer AND have cancer treatment. Sort of like before you had kids you thought you knew what it meant to have a baby but it wasn't until YOU had a baby that you really could grasp it. So unlike having a baby I wish no one have the reality of knowing about this for themself so hopefully you won't ever have to grasp and understand it.
I even feel as if I shouldn't tell my best friend all of this, it is just too bad what I feel emotiontally and physically. I don't want to bring her more down. Life is hard enough.
www.ColonClub.com is the reality of this cancer and helpful place to go or if you happen upon my blog and have cancer go there for help and answers. That website has been my place that I feel understood and not alone. Sadly, I am not alone in this. It is shocking the young people there. The moms with children. It breaks my heart to know so many others are going through this awfulness.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Star Trek
I am on a movie theme kick for my blog title posts!
Having finished the horrible FolFox chemo and now to start even more chemo soon. And I am feeling better since I am on a "break" from treatment. Hopefully the cancer is on a break too and not multiplying during this time! I have thought about how horrible the chemo is. Even my friend who is a dr calls the chemo poison. It really is poison to your body. Anyway, it made me think of the movie Star Trek the Journey Home one where they go back to Earth and save these whales to save the world (or something like that). Well, in one scene they are in a hospital and Star Trek Dr. McCoy sees a patient getting treatment for some illness and just thinks it is crazy what the drs are going to do to the patient and says something like "Is this the dark ages. What are they thinking that would be helpful??" and basically thinks the way they practice medicine is crazy and barbaric. To which I think one day people will look back and say "People were so desperate to get rid of cancer that they took poison." Just think about how we used to treat many things in the past and we would say that is crazy, how did people think that was a good idea. I feel in my heart, mind, and body chemo is poison and it is crazy for me to do it (and even more so for radiation that I will be having!) but I am desperate and no choice as the drs say "Take this or die." whenever I object to the poisons they want to give me. It sucks knowing you are doing something stupid and it will hurt you and may even kill you. It is weird to say radiation and poison is bad for healthy people but great for sick people. Doesn't that sound SO MESSED UP!
Having finished the horrible FolFox chemo and now to start even more chemo soon. And I am feeling better since I am on a "break" from treatment. Hopefully the cancer is on a break too and not multiplying during this time! I have thought about how horrible the chemo is. Even my friend who is a dr calls the chemo poison. It really is poison to your body. Anyway, it made me think of the movie Star Trek the Journey Home one where they go back to Earth and save these whales to save the world (or something like that). Well, in one scene they are in a hospital and Star Trek Dr. McCoy sees a patient getting treatment for some illness and just thinks it is crazy what the drs are going to do to the patient and says something like "Is this the dark ages. What are they thinking that would be helpful??" and basically thinks the way they practice medicine is crazy and barbaric. To which I think one day people will look back and say "People were so desperate to get rid of cancer that they took poison." Just think about how we used to treat many things in the past and we would say that is crazy, how did people think that was a good idea. I feel in my heart, mind, and body chemo is poison and it is crazy for me to do it (and even more so for radiation that I will be having!) but I am desperate and no choice as the drs say "Take this or die." whenever I object to the poisons they want to give me. It sucks knowing you are doing something stupid and it will hurt you and may even kill you. It is weird to say radiation and poison is bad for healthy people but great for sick people. Doesn't that sound SO MESSED UP!
Monday, October 18, 2010
Titanic
So I tried not posting as you see for quite a while. Thought maybe that would help change things. But it didn't. The thoughts still come and I even feel worse since they stay in me instead of with writing I feel like they get out of me.
Someone asked me something along the lines of is this all I talk about, when have I talked about something else. Well, that made me upset. It instantly made me think of the movie Titanic. Remember the scene when the ship hits the iceberg and they start to get the life jackets out and try to get people on life boats and many people are talking and walking around thinking nothing bad is happening and they plan to go back to their room (be sure to have the bed turned down, and heat on and my tea and biscuits ready they even tell a maid). They don't put on the life jackets they go about things like the ship is NOT sinking. They are even playing music and drinking and going about things normally. I feel like that is the people around me and I am Rose running around and I realize the dire situation that the ship is sinking. Of course that is what I am thinking about and talking about, I am in a horrible situation and know it and feel it and it is consuming me as it should at this time. I have to fight this, I don't want to sink, I want to live and I have to think about and deal with it and not pretend it is not happening and that life will go on as normal. It will never be what it was and that sucks. So it is hard to be with people when I know the ship is sinking and I am trying to fight for my life and go about being "normal" or around people who want me to pretend the ship is not sinking and nothing has changed, just go back to normal and stop thinking and talking so much about my sinking ship.
So remember the warning on the top of my blog, this won't be pretty and turn back now if you can't handle my sinking ship since I will be like Rose running around trying to survive.
Someone asked me something along the lines of is this all I talk about, when have I talked about something else. Well, that made me upset. It instantly made me think of the movie Titanic. Remember the scene when the ship hits the iceberg and they start to get the life jackets out and try to get people on life boats and many people are talking and walking around thinking nothing bad is happening and they plan to go back to their room (be sure to have the bed turned down, and heat on and my tea and biscuits ready they even tell a maid). They don't put on the life jackets they go about things like the ship is NOT sinking. They are even playing music and drinking and going about things normally. I feel like that is the people around me and I am Rose running around and I realize the dire situation that the ship is sinking. Of course that is what I am thinking about and talking about, I am in a horrible situation and know it and feel it and it is consuming me as it should at this time. I have to fight this, I don't want to sink, I want to live and I have to think about and deal with it and not pretend it is not happening and that life will go on as normal. It will never be what it was and that sucks. So it is hard to be with people when I know the ship is sinking and I am trying to fight for my life and go about being "normal" or around people who want me to pretend the ship is not sinking and nothing has changed, just go back to normal and stop thinking and talking so much about my sinking ship.
So remember the warning on the top of my blog, this won't be pretty and turn back now if you can't handle my sinking ship since I will be like Rose running around trying to survive.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Another song I needed
This is my prayer now I have to do this
What Faith Can Do by Kutless
Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise
you can see it here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGStix70S1k&feature=related
This was also given to me by the same lady----thanks to her---I needed this.
What Faith Can Do by Kutless
Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise
you can see it here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGStix70S1k&feature=related
This was also given to me by the same lady----thanks to her---I needed this.
Who knew Hannah Montana was so wise
Another lady with cancer told me to listen to this song:
The Climb
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreamin
But there's a voice inside my head that says I'll never make it
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shakin
But I gotta keep tryin
Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanta make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it but these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most yeah
I just gotta keep going
And I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on 'cause
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
But sometimes I gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side
It's the climb
Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith
It's all about the climb
Keep your faith
Keep your faith
**********************
You can see it here-- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rkwU92ak07Q&feature=related
I just have to keep playing this over and over in my head.
I want to do this. I listen to this song in the van on the way home from gymnastics with Lil Hercules, hopefully he didn't see me cryin. It was dark.
The Climb
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreamin
But there's a voice inside my head that says I'll never make it
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shakin
But I gotta keep tryin
Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanta make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it but these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most yeah
I just gotta keep going
And I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on 'cause
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
But sometimes I gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side
It's the climb
Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith
It's all about the climb
Keep your faith
Keep your faith
**********************
You can see it here-- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rkwU92ak07Q&feature=related
I just have to keep playing this over and over in my head.
I want to do this. I listen to this song in the van on the way home from gymnastics with Lil Hercules, hopefully he didn't see me cryin. It was dark.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Trooper Bday, Chemo diet, and I know why this blog is such a downer
I know why this blog is such a downer. I only write when I am down. When I am "ok" I don't post, I am doing things, living life.
But here is some good news. And I mean it. I went to get out jeans since now I get cold easy and then I start to hurt. It was so great fitting into all these jeans that I hadn't worn in forever ( I save all these don't fit clothes before this--you know one day you will fit them) well now I fit them. I love it, it was so fun and made me happy to fit so nicely into them. I love getting dressed now. So for me that is the good thing about chemo, a great and super easy diet. I hated diets before this, it was hard to loose weight. Now it comes off easy.
Today we are celebrating Troopers birthday even though it was Wednesday. He is 1 yr old! And the good thing we made it to 1 yr of nothing but breastmilk! I am so thankful for ALL the milk mamas who helped make that possible, no matter how much or little you gave, we use every drop and grateful no matter the amount you gave. I haven't been out to the deep freeze to see how much is left, scared to but hopefully since it is full we can make it another few months of breastmilk for him. We of course got him a Star Wars birthday cake. On the cake we told the lady to put happy birthday Trooper. We didn't say that wasn't his real name. She gave a look like you named you kid Trooper. :-)
But here is some good news. And I mean it. I went to get out jeans since now I get cold easy and then I start to hurt. It was so great fitting into all these jeans that I hadn't worn in forever ( I save all these don't fit clothes before this--you know one day you will fit them) well now I fit them. I love it, it was so fun and made me happy to fit so nicely into them. I love getting dressed now. So for me that is the good thing about chemo, a great and super easy diet. I hated diets before this, it was hard to loose weight. Now it comes off easy.
Today we are celebrating Troopers birthday even though it was Wednesday. He is 1 yr old! And the good thing we made it to 1 yr of nothing but breastmilk! I am so thankful for ALL the milk mamas who helped make that possible, no matter how much or little you gave, we use every drop and grateful no matter the amount you gave. I haven't been out to the deep freeze to see how much is left, scared to but hopefully since it is full we can make it another few months of breastmilk for him. We of course got him a Star Wars birthday cake. On the cake we told the lady to put happy birthday Trooper. We didn't say that wasn't his real name. She gave a look like you named you kid Trooper. :-)
Friday, September 10, 2010
I know I am not helpful and the odds
I know this blog is not helpful to the person who finds this and has cancer, sorry I just can't be that way right now, maybe never it feels like. I have come across several blogs that are helpful and I thank them for that, they are way better at this than me. I think it is because I just can't handle anymore at times, I can't be helpful since I am so far in need of help. So remember that is why I put the warning on my the top of my blog to turn back now since this won't help anyone.
I haven't talk to my dad before this for years and recently I had started talking to him on skype (you must try this, very neat and free!). Anyway I haven't talked to him in over a week now and nothing happened between us like it usually would have, it is just that I can't see him with me like this. I think it would be hard for him to see me like this than me not talking with anymore.
This cancer is like a puzzle. When I was first dx I got one piece of the puzzle and every day since then I am getting more and more pieces of the puzzle and I hate the way the picture is looking.
The odds--I should play the lottery--that I person my age would get this type of cancer-- .05 %
Is that shocking or what? Don't forget the point-- way less than 1% chance!
5 Year Survival Rates for my specific cancer type and Stage 3B (T4,N1)---35%-42%
Chance of recurrence 50%
Chance that it will recur within the first year after surgery 5-30%
I haven't talk to my dad before this for years and recently I had started talking to him on skype (you must try this, very neat and free!). Anyway I haven't talked to him in over a week now and nothing happened between us like it usually would have, it is just that I can't see him with me like this. I think it would be hard for him to see me like this than me not talking with anymore.
This cancer is like a puzzle. When I was first dx I got one piece of the puzzle and every day since then I am getting more and more pieces of the puzzle and I hate the way the picture is looking.
The odds--I should play the lottery--that I person my age would get this type of cancer-- .05 %
Is that shocking or what? Don't forget the point-- way less than 1% chance!
5 Year Survival Rates for my specific cancer type and Stage 3B (T4,N1)---35%-42%
Chance of recurrence 50%
Chance that it will recur within the first year after surgery 5-30%
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