Kerry on

My friend who was outgoing, funny, very kind and caring and a load of fun and only 42 died. The cancer got her. It doesn't seem real. I want to keep it that way. If I don't go to her funeral then it won't seem really real. She knew I might not go to her funeral. I will see when I wake up tomorrow if I will go or not.

2 Years

It has been 2 yrs since the horrible news. Still feels like yesterday and still trapped in cancerland. It is amazing I made it 2 yrs without a recurrence considering what the doctors said and I didn't have surgery. I do still feel like I am on a timeline since I didn't do surgery and knowing the high recurrence rate for this cancer. It sort of feels like I only have 3 years left, they always talk about chance of survival for cancer in terms of 5 yrs. It is like you are glad to have another birthday year but with each year that passes it feels like you are closer to death. And an update on my post from one year ago---none of my sisters have gotten a scope done.

I did get my biopsy result back and it was clear too, so next round of tests are end of June. I wonder when can I relax and think I am in the clear. Can I ever be in the clear?? I so want to stay like this. It freaks me out and I have a mini melt down thinking about doing chemo again or having surgery and of course not being here. I want it to stay this way so so so much. I have been thinking about getting a tattoo that says "warrior" and my children's initial but not sure I am up to the pain part and of course the $$$ part. I really think I am a warrior after all this crap and the continuance of this crap. I have to fight every day. I know I am strong but I just wish I didn't have to be, it is so much work to stay mentally strong. I don't even really think about going back to doing breastfeeding help. I am still in no mind to do that "professionally". It would probably be wrong to say to a mom who wants to wean "Imagine you had to wean tomorrow because you had cancer." or to a mom bemoaning the fact that she's up again with her baby in the middle of the night "You have got to have more energy than me since chemo and radiation really sucks the life out of me more than a baby sucks milk out of you." or "I cherish every night waking since I don't know how many more I will have." I know totally rude and mellow dramatic but can't help myself. I really just like being with my kids. And staying in my bubble. My friend from the cancer support group is not doing well. I really hate what it is doing to her. I haven't really talked to her now (she is more home bound lately and not coming to group), I don't want to bring her down, you know how "cheerful" I am about cancer. I will just tell you all this now, when I am towards the end, don't worry about bringing me down, and I will want to talk about the end and all the crappy stuff, though I know probably most people won't want to. To my cancer friends, be a warrior--- a person who shows or has great vigor, courage, or aggressiveness

Still beating the odds

I totally forgot to post on here about my results (I did post to facebook) that my latest blood and ct scan still show me in the clear! I still have my scope and biopsy on April 23 but I just think it has to be ok since the other tests came out good, right?? Isn't the cancer supposed to show up in the blood or ct first? But then I get worried and think they will be taking it from the actual cancer sight, oh no. I just keep saying it will be ok, it will be ok. I am almost to the 2 yr mark since I was dx in May. I know for all of you it may seem like a million years ago and ain't she back to normal yet and stop thinking about this cancer all the time but to me it still seems like yesterday. It has been my goal to make it to the 2 yr mark without a recurrence and to show those drs I did it. I know they didn't think I would make it that long. Then can I make it to year 3?? If I do, I really what a case report write up in some medical journal! My doctor friend said to me "Aren't you glad you didn't have that surgery!" EVERYDAY!! I think I am glad I didn't do it. Even no matter the time I have left.

Tests mean stress

It's that time again- blood work and ct scan. It always gets me stressed and in a bad mood. Today I go for the ct scan and know I will feel like crap all day from the stuff I drink and iv contrast they give and it will mess my stomach up even more than it is already. And I have to drive my son 1 hr to practice and sit there for 3 hrs and then drive another hr home. I hope I don't throw up. I hate that my husband never comes to any appts/tests/even chemo with me. He doesn't even call me. He is out of touch with this. I am left to shoulder it on my own. So I pray on Tuesday when I go to get the results of these tests that it will be good since I will be by myself and I will have to go home to a full house of my kids since they will be home for spring break. It is so hard to forget about this cancer when something is always reminding you of it! So I have had more freak outs in the last few days than usual. Pleading prayer to God all is well.

Not a Survivor but a Warrior

I write that because (and I think I may have written about this before) I don't like being called that. It does not describe me. A survivor is someone who has survived something. I do not know that I have survived cancer. That is scary to write and think about. But it is reality. So many at the cancer support group I go to are people who have the cancer come back. Many others with cancer also don't like the term survivor. I read that some use the term warrior. That is a term I much more identify with and it sounds empowering and says what I do. I do feel like a person at war and fighting with this cancer. It is still a daily fight with it. I know to others it may seem like such a long time ago that I was dx and I should be back to normal by now. They have no clue, I didn't either before it was me. It still seems like not that long ago and still I can not get away from the cancer. I am getting better though. When I was first dx the feeling was like death. Death seemed so so close. And now I know that is because I was closer to death than before my dx. But now finally I don't feel like I am about to die at any moment. Now it is just a feeling of I will be here for another 3 yrs. That is what is in my head since they talk about 5 yr survival and I am coming up on my 2 yr since dx in May. Then thinking of that freaks me out-- it is too little time and I wonder if I can make it past that number. In general, I am emotionally doing better, only one "freak out" a day, better at fighting the bad thoughts and able to sleep a little bit better but still tire easily. The thing that has me down is the continued nerve damage in my feet. It hasn't gotten any better. I still try to put on my normal non croc shoes and can't even keep them on more than a second. And walking still sucks. And that lack of walking leads to my weight gain. I hate it. I think I just need to stop eating since I can't walk.

2 other people who blog that I follow and who have this stupid cancer, one passed and one in hospice. Another friend trying to prove the drs wrong that she will not be gone in the 2 mths they give her. :-(

My next round of blood tests and ct scan is the last week of March and will get the results April 3rd. Prayers wanted. Thank you!

My baby weaned

My latest round of tests went well! Still in remission! Next round March. How long can I make it? I hate that I still have break thru freak outs. Will they ever go away? Probably not since I feel like the only way to not get them is for the impossible to happen--a 100% guarantee that the cancer will not be back.

My baby just drank his last donated breastmilk on Friday night. He was down to one 3 oz bottle at night time. I was worried how Saturday night would go and he was fine. I again must say how happy and grateful that my baby was able to get human milk for this length of time which is the normal length of time for babies to get human milk. It saddens me when I hear of babies who get no human milk and when people do not understand the value and importance for babies to get human milk. I just don't get how people can think cows milk meant for a baby cow that is highly processed with artificial things and not strerile and put in a can is the same as fresh human milk. I am also glad that while I gave him the bottle of human milk I tried to make the bottle feeding as much like breastfeeding as possible which is for all babies no matter what is in the bottle. Babies are supposed to be held when fed and not prop a bottle. A link to describe more of that--

http://www.kellymom.com/store/freehandouts/bottle_feeding.pdf

(you'll have to copy and paste that, don't know why it won't show as a link)