Tuesday, April 18, 2017

I can always cry

I don't write anymore since it is just more of the same down things. So you can read this post or any of the older posts and they will sound the same. Who wants to hear that. I don't want to hear me. I hate complaining but this is my reality. I do my best to stay numb. I'm not even trying for happy. Just being. I still play the many mind numbing game apps to keep me from thinking too much.

I can always cry. Still. My dr says it is because I have cancer, stress, anxiety, and depression. This is nothing new. I got that the day I got dx. I HATE that I can cry. I'm always on verge of crying. I HATE that I cry. I always try not to cry but it doesn't work. I am crying right now! When will I not have anymore tears? When will my eyes be dry and give up? I HATE that I can't stop it. But to quote a song "I'm tired, I'm worn--My heart is heavy from the work it takes to keep on breathing--I've made mistakes I've let my hope fail-- My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world--And my prayers are wearing thin--I'm worn before the the day begins" There are better parts to this song, but this part is me. It is like I'm in quicksand. I can't get out. Trying to just makes me feel worse, so staying still is the best I can do. I have no desire to go anywhere. I still only go to the cancer group and with those who have cancer makes me feel like it is ok. It takes a lot physically and emotionally to go out, even for my kids to their things. It is mentally and physically exhausting. It is like being an actor who is having to improv. I'm not being my real self, just trying to act like someone else. Facebook is as close as I get to going out in the world.

My physical health influences so much of my mental health. This past year I have been stable, no huge growth in my lungs so far. Cancer blood marker stable. Liver function horrible as usual. It really is a miracle stage 3 to recurrent stage 4. I still wonder how I get stable after all of this and others don't. I wish I knew so I could give it to others to have too. Weekly painful partial blockages and daily neuropathy pain and exhaustion being the some of hardest hurdles that get me down. Other things that I can not bring myself to type out.

This past year was also consumed by getting help for my son who hurt his hip in gymnastics. It took forever to get a proper dx and then find a dr who could do surgery on him. We had to go all the way to Shriner's in St Louis for surgery and continued follow up. Kids are so different in dealing with medical crap. My son didn't seem to get down and just pushed through. And it was hell the recovering and the surgery. He was bedridden for months and had to lay flat and then relearn all over again to walk and get strength back. He always had hope. At least he never showed me anything else. I wish I was a superhero like kids. Two kids in the small world of boys competitive gymnastics circle in our region got cancer. WTH is all I think. Cancer in kids makes no sense. It does seem like kids handle things better than adults. I wonder why? How can I be more like a kid? Is it that they don't fully understand things. Is it that they are surrounded by this nothing is more intense and powerful than a parents love and hope for them to be well?

I still can't go to church, you know the whole crying thing stops me from going. And their dad ain't going to get up and take them without making a fuss so why ask. And I can't just drive and drop them off at the door. You have to sign kids in and out and then they would wonder why I don't stay at church and even may say I had to stay since the kids are there. They even had a family VBS so of course my kids didn't go to that because of me not being able to do it. I hate that my kids don't get to go because I me. I try and teach them some things at home. Like I did an Easter lesson, yeah but it is so hard because again the crying. I have to get into a mindset of I am teaching you math (something that doesn't make me cry) because if I really think, I will cry. And I HATE crying for ME, you and everyone else can cry all they want.

So much is upside down and not right in my kids life. They may know this a little, especially the older ones; the younger ones, this is all they know. I just hope one day they will understand I tried my best, this is all I can do when I am in quicksand and trying not to sink any farther down.



2 comments:

  1. Thank you for updating. I was thinking about you & checking in to see. I am sorry that there isn't something more that can be done right now to ease all of your struggles. I am, as always, deeply touched by your writing. I will keep looking for updates & praying that you are able to find a treatment option that helps you feel like you can live more of your life in peace, without pain, and without such fatigue. Much love to you momma.

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  2. I read this a few days ago.... and, first of all, was so happy to see a post.....Though I'd been hopeful no news was good news.
    I'm so sad that you cry. I'd give anything to help you.
    I pray for you... I don't stop & I'll continue of course. I'm so sorry with all the stuff with your son.... I can't imagine ...
    all I can say is I pray for you and your family..... I cry with you..... I wish I lived closer.... I'd help you. IS there anything I (or those of us who live far from you) can help with?
    You're always in my thoughts. Reply & I'll send you my email.
    Karen in Austin

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