Thursday, January 7, 2016

Just Another Update

I guess I never did the update from my September labs and scan but it was pretty good, cancer marker was good and scan only showed just the littlest growth in my lungs so that still puts me in the watch and wait mode. I was supposed to go right before Christmas and get scan and labs again but I put it off till January 11 since I didn't want any bad news while I had to be around the kids so much during Christmas break. So now the nerves start back up for Monday's appointment. I just know and plead it will be ok because I just feel like I can't handle anymore. I don't want to handle anymore. Whenever I let the thought of doing chemo creep into my thoughts I start to panic. Since my diagnoses my life, physically and mentally, as never gotten better only worse. I try to stay "ok" and find strength from some amazing people stories and think if they can do that I can do this. But it is so dang tiring to get up everyday and constantly tell yourself to not cry, stay strong, and keep going despite the physical pain and emotional pain. It is never ending fighting. I have been so so tired all the time so I feel like I have no energy to fight many days.  

Another friend died of cancer, it was what seems sudden to me. But probably not to noncancer people. The outside world hears stage 4 cancer and of course assume they will die. But I think, I can't believe they died. I really thought a cruel joke when I hear and can't believe. I had just been with this person 3 days before and they "looked good, walking, driving, eating, drinking". Cancer doesn't care how good you look, because most cancer is on the inside looking horrible. Pain can be hidden with medicine and makeup and clothes do wonders to hide the ugly cancer. 

I don't know which is worse: A sudden unexpected passing or a "you know it's coming because they are bedridden" passing. The sudden ones scare me because it makes me think it can happen to me at any moment and I am not ready. The long ones are prolonged sadness. And scares me to think of myself bedridden and all that means. 

I've also been sad because something that gave me hope and joy has now turned into the opposite of that. That's all for now, I want to stop thinking and go play Angry Birds or Words With Friends to make my mind go blank. 

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