Sunday, September 20, 2015

Treading Water

I didn't write in February, March or April because I was so f'ing sick from the chemo. I did quit chemo and went into the watch and wait mode. My dr was ok with it and really could understand how bad I was doing.

I didn't write in May because I went to Florida for 3 weeks. My son qualified to National gymnastics meet down there. And we took a family trip to Disney while there. The beach was heaven. I loved it, I didn't want to leave Florida. The trip was paid for by an advance on my life insurance, that was great to have that resource but depressing that the life insurance people give you the money since they know you are going to die. 

I didn't write in June because I had my ct scan that showed growth in spots on my lungs again. And you get to play the watch and wait and guess game. So I have another ct scan at the end of September. 

I didn't write in July, August, and most of September because I am trying to soak up as much non chemo time as possible. The thought of more chemo sends me into melt down mode. How can I physically and mentally do more chemo?!? My body hates it, I don't breeze through chemo like some others can. 

I didn't write because thinking about cancer sucks. And I go all day trying not to think about it without any success. It is constant fighting bad cancer thoughts away. My mental state has really gotten worse. And writing just hurts my mind so much right now. I am writing now only because I wanted to write something before my next scan. 

It's been a year since my big surgery and it still sucks, still pain, still hate things about it. It messed my body up so bad, it only feels like it traded one bad thing for many other bad things. 

I have to stop writing now, I'm so upset and crying. I hate crying because I am so sick of crying!

1 comment:

  1. I was so glad to see your name pop up on my new posts column. I've been thinking/worrying about you. I am glad that Florida was great, but sorry about the other stuff. Keeping your you and your family in my thoughts and hoping for the best on your next scan. Hugs!