All They Will Ever Know

Having another sick day, which leads to my kids seeing me feel yucky and in pain. It gets me down and mad and I blurt out to my son who is is 11 years old and in the car with "Do you remember when I was well? I wasn't always this way! I used to be normal and well!" He answers, "No, I don't remember anything except this." AND he was 8 years old when I was dx! Is it that he really was too young and can't remember anything OR is it that this cancer has taken away and even erased all that was normal and well of me. I have three children younger than he was at the time of my dx so surely no hope they remember me BEFORE. Should I even ask my two children that are older than him if they remember me BEFORE? OK, typing this in a public place, must stop crying! At least I am in a hospital where it would be ok to see someone crying. But I HATE crying!! I am so sick of ME crying but I can't control it, like I can't control anything else that is wrong with my body. I once was thin, and happy, and not a worry about bathrooms, stomach pain, foot pain, or cancer or dying. All of me who they now know is a fat, sad most times, in pain, running to bathroom, can't walk far mom. I really used to be a good mom and now I am a horrible mom. I hope they know one day that I am trying my hardest but it is so hard for me and this is the best I can do. I will have a few days that are "ok" (I would not say "good" days, far from it!)and then I will think maybe I can be ok and then the real bad days happen and sends me back to "Knock, knock sucker, don't forget you have cancer and this what you get to deal with." This is the price of cancer treatment. My friend said she survived cancer (so far) but hasn't survived the treatment. THAT is SO TRUE! I live everyday (yea I'm alive :-) ) with the constant ongoing side effects and that gets me down so much. And to educate you all- cancer is NOT the same cancer for everyone and treatments and side effects can be SO VERY different. And just because someone is done with treatment DOESN'T mean the side effects are over.