Sunday, September 7, 2014

I didn't want to write

because it is too hard emotionally. But I want to write something about surgery before I start chemo.

Surgery was awful! Duh! My first post surgery memory waking up with a NG tube. That is the WORST thing EVER!!! I pray I never need another one. I cursed a nurse out over it. One nurse calmed me gently and kindly another nurse was mean and rude trying to calm me. So I think know which nurse I cursed out. After that was taken out I finally got sleep. I woke up the next day and the drs came to visit. They ask how I am doing and I say "Wow, surgery wasn't that bad and I am doing better than I thought I would be doing--emotionally and pain wise." Now here comes the "duh! you are so stupid" moment.----When finally after a week I start to think and realize it is the DRUGS that made me say that. The drugs now get lowered and lower it hits like a ton of bricks, this sucks and my brain can now THINK and SEE and FEEL what has happened to me. Oh the things I would have written if I had wrote every few days since surgery. I hate to even think about it, that is why I didn't write. I have been so low and I am trying with all I have to cope. My body and mind is so destroyed and broken and hurt, and hurting. My brain can hardly cope and process it, I cling to stupid games and busyness. Watched ALL six seasons of Reba the tv show. And now homeschooling diverts my attention, which I do from my bed. Laying down is still the most comfort I can have. Pain patches (3 at a time!) and pain pill is what I take to help, but still walking and moving causes pain and tiredness. I use a cane ( I refuse to use the walker the dr rx for me) that helps make me more steady. Being tired and having pain for so many weeks since surgery was in JUNE gets me so down. I will never feel health again it seems, especially since chemo is starting now. My hair is also falling out for the last few weeks and I haven't even started chemo yet.

Chemo starts Tuesday and will last 6-7 mths. I will get the chemo pump again that I will have attached to me for 3 days. I had surgery to put the chemo port back in again. I had a ct scan Thursday and I am very anxious to get the results. My surgery in June got clear margins (the best result you could get).

I had someone say "Oh that won't be any big deal. That will be easy, no problem." when commenting on something that I should be able to do. I didn't know what to say, I just held back the tears, and wanted to say "Yeah, easy for the normal person, but super hard for me and it will likely cause me to freak out." I didn't say that to them because would they even understand how a simple task for them could cause such pain and stress for me?

I so don't feel like writing. It just sucks to think. It makes me cry.

PS If anyone wants me to do ALL the MANY, MANY, MANY the alternative cures for cancer I will be more than happy to take your donations for it since my insurance doesn't cover it. And please tell me which of the many, many, many alternative cures for cancer will kill my cancer.


  1. There you are! I've been checking and checking your page. I cannot imagine (really) how much pain you must be in. You are so very brave. I'm glad you did write before you starting chemo and for letting us know that it begins tomorrow. I will be directing my prayers to that and also for you kids. How lucky they are that you are their teacher.... I think parents who homeschool are definitely a cut above everyone else... Such devotion, such a unselfish trait of character. --- if anyone says something you don't like, bob them with you cane.... If only in your thoughts! (Actually, I think I deserved a bop from you once. I'll be thinking and praying so hard for you. Karen in Austin.

  2. I have been praying for you and your family and wishing you well. You could sorely use some comforting support. Do you have any access to some services for you and your family? Think of all of the lactation support that you provided over the years and consider how much you deserve to have some psychological support during these challenges in your life.

    God bless you!

  3. I feel ya sista, people question me all the time about mydecision to taking chemo..smh!!