Saturday, June 7, 2014

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel...

....and it is a train. LOL That is so true for me! I can't see a good end in sight, only a train heading straight for me and ready to hit and run me down.

Blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada. Just the same old things going on with me and same freak outs more often.

On Wednesday I took my youngest son (age 4) to the ER for what turned out to be an appendicitis! Just another thing to deal with and be strong right before I am about to leave for my hellish operation. It took another big junk of strength and adrenaline out of me to hold back the tears and freak outs and be there for my son which I did do but I am yet again weaker and still have to keep going.

I have tried to get ready for being gone for so long, so long away from my kids. I cleaned the house and paid the bills up to June 27. Took pictures of all of them. I so hope I don't die, I have felt like I would if I did surgery. I hope I am wrong. I am not prepared to die. I never got to write my "books" to my kids. I just want to be here with them and not write all these things I want to tell them in a book.

I still can't imagine myself walking out my door and going to Mayo. How will I leave my kids knowing I might not come back. and what does come back will be a me that is worse than I am now. I will be more tired than I am now, in more pain than I have now, a worse body than I have now, I worse mind than I have now, and less strength than I have now. And no guarantee (or even good odds!) that the cancer is gone and not somewhere else in my body and won't come back.

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