Sunday, October 20, 2013

Just another vent and whine, so sorry, feel free to skip

Am I weak or am I strong? I feel weak because I am handling everything horribly but think I have to be strong to continue on day after day. I will never get over the fact that I feel so horrible AFTER I am in remission. I can't even believe the cancer is gone and that it won't return. I never felt like this before I was dx with cancer and told stage 3b with a T4 tumor that spread. Cancer TREATMENT left me broken. It ripped me apart and my marriage apart and a mom who is not how I want to be. It takes all I got to get through literally the crap I have to deal with. It gets to me and I break down. I get so tired and warn out of ignoring and pretending. The mindless facebook/iphone games help distract me. I have the warning at the top of this blog about how this will not be nice reading, like I wrote before, this is only half the story. I have started to write down all, the whole truth for after I am gone. I want it to be known, I want people to known why and what happened to me. And here is why: I had a freak out moment, everything was getting to me, and I told someone things not written here. She cried and I really don't think could handle the info, and gave me $60. I guess the only way she could think to help me. The money was much needed and appreciated. At least they tried to help me in their own way. It was just the realization that people can not handle the things I am going through and I can not talk to people about it. I feel so alone. I even know I can not talk to my doctor about it! They don't want to, they don't have time, and they have no help to offer. It is just the way my life is now. It just sucks they didn't tell you things. I go Friday for tests and results on Monday. I really wish I could just get a phone call for the results. I hate going to see the dr, it is just useless waste of time. I have had a few panic attacks this past week when my mind wonders to the thought of doing chemo again and how my messed up life will be turned upside down even worse.

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