Thursday, September 8, 2011

My Last Baby

My last baby is turning 2 yrs old today. He will be my last baby (since chemo/radiation destroyed me) and his turning 2 makes it real and final. Looking back the one thing I forever regret is being meek, embarrassed (can't exactly find the right word) about being pregnant. Having my children has been the greatest thing in life, I hate that I showed anything but joy to the world over each pregnancy and it stings now with my new reality. With each pregnancy I felt the disapproving culture that says more than 3 (heck even more than 2 if you had a 1 boy and 1 girl) was wrong and too many kids. So I always tempered my joy and let myself assume to the world, "oh, yes, you're right too many kids, oops". But inside I was happy to be having a another baby. And when I was so sad over my 2 miscarriages the world looked at it as a good thing. And now I wish I had displayed overwhelming joy especially knowing how hard it was for us to get pregnant, 4yrs for our first and then 5 yrs for our second and ending up where I am now. I guess this is why I am now so blunt on facebook (and here) about things, I don't want to cave to the culture that says be a certain way about things and I for sure want people to know how I feel if only for me that I was not fake and I said what I believed and not have any regrets.

My baby was perfect timing for me and I am thankful for him during this whole cancer trip. It was not good timing for him and it has been a hard time for him through this and he has experienced a whole different babyhood than the one he should have had because of this stupid cancer. He kept me from staying in a dark hole by him looking at me and needing me. And yes my older children needed me too during this time but it is different looking at him and after him, he is truly helpless and needed me and he just gave me nothing but joy, peace, and hope when I looked at him. I am also glad I didn't find out during my pregnancy with him (I had symptoms during pregnancy) and glad it wasn't until he was 8 mths old that I got dx. I had at least that wonderful ignorant time and I appreciate and miss that time so much that I would not have wanted to trade it since I can never go back to it.

Life is the greatest gift and coming in the form of a baby is so miraculous and we should be happy for one.


Now my results! I had my second biopsy since deciding no surgery in February and it came back "no evidence of malignancy". I know I am shocked and the drs too. Now I can sort of breath until October for the next round of tests. It saddens me to know others have not had the same road and some have already had a recurrence at this same point. My results make me happy for the moment and the good results are always tempered with the reality of cancer.


  1. I just wanted to say how glad I am that your tests are clear of any malignancy. I posted a comment once before (and now can't even remember what i said - LOL) - but I wanted you to know I am still catching up with your blog as I can & saying prayers for you & for your family. I am very close in age to you & my youngest is pretty close in age to your & I *think* I originally found your blog as it related to having to wean & I remember reading that post & crying for you. :( Your story has also caused me to try harder to donate milk. I had done it before, but I think half heartedly as pumping is not super easy for me & certainly not a necessity for me due to oversupply or anything ,either - for me it is a matter of something I do for the sake of doing it to share...but the value it can bring to another, I understood through your words. I mean tot get back here & tell you this as well just passed National Milkshare Week & I thought you should know. Happy birthday to your little collective nurser. <3 All my love for your continued good health & healing.

  2. Sorry, just so your comment today! Thank you for your kind words and prayers and willingness to help other moms and babies any amount is good.