Thursday, August 11, 2011

Taken away

A friend was taken away. I knew and I was told that it was close. Her dr was correct in the time he gave that was left. But still I just couldn't really believe it would come....because she looked physically ok, but her face showed a sadness, a far off stare the last few times I saw her. Her visitation was today I did not go, her is funeral tomorrow, I will not go. I hope that doesn't sound mean but I just can't do it. If I went I would have to be strong and cold as not to break down and flip out, which would be a real possibility, just being there and seeing it all and hearing it all, it is too close to me, too real. Not going allows to have her be a friend I just don't see anymore rather than a friend that I see that is for sure gone.

I have only been to a few funerals in my life. When I was a young child my grandpa died. At the time his death didn't effect me hugely, I thought he was old and thought that is what happens. Now I know he was young, only in his 50's and died of cancer. What did effect me was that in the room over from his viewing was a service for a little girl. That was the first time I realized kids die. My next funeral was for my Granny. I was so sad she died because I had really knew her for a long time and she had made a huge impression on me. Though I was sad I was so happy for her because she told she would be going to heaven. The other funeral I went to was for a young mom who died of cancer, she left 2 little boys. It still didn't hit me, I was sad for them and her but it never made me think it could be me. But now having cancer has made me see it could be me and it is too hard to face that and see it with my eyes and not flip out since I know I am so much closer to it than any of the other times I went to a funeral. Before cancer, you know you can die but now you know in a much more real way you can die, you feel so much closer to it and I just would rather look away. And yet every day since dx I can't escape not even one day that I don't think about death. I now wonder how people can just not even have it cross their mind for days and months on end. I just can't seem to get back to that place when death never entered my mind even when faced with a funeral.

To my friend taken away, thank you for sharing your last year with me.

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